Pretending to Listen...

Looking Back: 2011

2012-01-14T08:19:00.000-08:00

2011 has been quite the year, I must say, eventful, as always, yet transformational. It is the year I decided to take my life by the reigns. With the help of the Big Guy in the sky, I have come to understand some very important lessons that I thought I’d share with you today. Who knows, maybe it will help ease someone else’s pain as it has mine. These are just my personal truths, they may or may not suit your judgement, but I hope they help.

1) Grieving is part of the process. Don’t deny your self ANY part of the process.

My biggest “beef with” spirituality, as we know it today, is that it is nurtured on half-truths or half knowledge. In an effort to be concise, we actually oversee the passing of key truths behind the principles we often preach. One of these principles is that of positivity. If something is wrong in someone’s life, our answer is always, “be positive,” or “don’t focus on the negative.” I was always told this. And I followed these two words, “be positive” to the best of my ability. When bad things happened, I turned the other way; when my life was in shambles, I walked over the broken pieces; onwards and upwards. I definitely moved onwards but I never moved up. It was because no one ever really explained those words to me. I just figured it meant, choose to see the good and ignore the bad. I did this … until I snapped about 2 years ago. Till that moment, I had never truly felt the emotion of anger and rage and sadness, and when the world pushed me to my knees, suddenly, no matter what I did, I couldn’t or wouldn’t stand. When I finally let it all out (my emotions, that is), I realized I had spent all those years lying to myself. I was never “positive,” I was just ignorant. I ignored the problems, brushing them under the rug, avoiding any form of confrontation with others and myself. What I learned is that being positive is a PROCESS; it is an innate understanding that even your problems are blessings in disguise; a mere distortion between what you want and what He wants for you. And the process begins with your emotions. It is a process that spans your body, your mind and finally reaches your soul. Being positive opens those gates to your soul so your grief can finally transform to peace there. Everyone’s process is different and they all take different lengths of times, but never deny your self any part of it. If you are angry, allow yourself to yell at God (trust me, He can take it); if you are sad, allow yourself to cry till your eyes are red. Of course, this doesn’t mean you go on a rampage. Everything must be in balance. But allow yourself to truly feel and keep your heart open to finding peace when the time is right for you to find it. I assure you, you will. And you will understand the real meaning of positivity.

2) Do unto others as you would have them do unto you … when they earn it.
This was a very important lesson for me to learn. We have been ingrained to “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” This statement is very profound and true, yet is not specific enough, in my humble opinion. You should definitely treat others with the same respect as you would like to be treated, but respect, by virtue of the word MUST BE EARNED. If you are a “giver” and find yourself constantly being taken advantage of, you will eventually be left quite bitter. And as much as we’d like to blame the one that is “taking,” the responsibility really lies in the hand of the giver. On one end you shouldn’t expect anything for your giving, but in that same breath, with the great power of providing and nurturing (that encompasses being the giver) comes great responsibility of being careful to whom you give. The biggest reason for this added awareness is respect for your self. If you wouldn’t give away free money to someone who didn’t earn it, why would you so easily and simply give away your most prized possession – your heart? How someone earns their way to your heart is in your hands, but let them earn it. You will be doing them a great justice and teaching them your value, as much as you’d be doing the same for yourself.

3) Protect your self. No one else can and no one else will.
Follow your instincts, your subconscious, your gut … whatever you want to call it … for it will always tell you the truth. One of my strongest beliefs is that we have the answer to every single question in this world within us. We only get the answers if we ask. Many times we face situations and are confronted by individuals who create some doubt within our core. Somewhere deep within our subconscious we ask ourselves, “Is this step right for me?” “Is this person good to let in?” In this split second introspective Q&A, we receive the answer as (what is perceived to be) a pang in the gut, an emotional instinct, or a deep subconscious knowing. As quickly as we ask the question, we receive the answer, and as quickly as that it is gone. We know what we have to do. But when our physical mind takes back control in yet another split second, we are back to “reality” and the conscious, and suddenly it has escaped us. Wait. What was I supposed to do? We still have a slight connection to the answer but in our panic cannot grasp it as we did a few milliseconds before. So then we play 50/50. We gamble with our lives. Despite everything telling us don’t go this way, we doubt our inner self and go anyways … and then we hit a wall. Wrong turn. I was notorious for this. But now, at the inkling of doubt, of a worry, I act or don’t act (if that’s the correct response). I have always had the ability to foresee problems, especially within the dynamic of relationships and never used to act. Time and time again it was proven that I was right all along. I knew it deep within but questioned by own knowledge. My lack of faith in my self stood in my own way. So, I tell you all – trust your self. And if you don’t know, stop what you are doing, go somewhere quiet even for 5 minutes and calm down. It is only when the cloud clears that the sun’s rays can shine through. So, sit calmly and then just ask yourself the question you have. Just be willing to hear whatever response is meant to come your way, and when you receive it – act.

4) If my mind has the immense power to debilitate me, it has the immense power to help me soar.
This year I saw myself in the hospital again. The diagnosis remained unknown. Although there is a physiological basis for it, this time it was 1000% aggravated by stress. My recovery was much slower and more intense than times before. I actually felt like an amnesia patient for a while, unable to digest or process too much information at once, unable to remember brief encounters or even what happened that day without immense strain. I was so debilitated that my sweet dad came from Toronto to New York to walk me to work, when I was able to attend. I despise sharing this aspect of my life. But I do so, reluctantly, to prove a powerful point. My mind had been on such an overload, so overworked and malnutritioned (not literally) that it, and my body, decided to shut down. I believe it was a defense mechanism to save me. We always talk about the mind, body, soul unison. It is what we strive for. I have often focused on my body and soul and neglected my mind (truly nourishing it with positivity and love). There was no synchronicity between the three. When I finally got to a moment where I questioned my mortality, my own ability to fight through this time and time again, I realized the infinite power of my mind. But every action has an equal, and OPPOSITE reaction, right? If there is a yin, there is a yang. Black and white. Night and day. If my mind had the power to shut me down so hard and so fast, and the theory of polarity exists, then it has the power to help me soar to heights faster than a blink of an eye. If I nourish it. Nourish your minds.

5) Everyone has their own limitations. Don’t hold it against them or yourself.
I was often taken advantage of or let down by others. I dwelled in this state of self-pity for a long time. Until recently when I finally realized I have also let others down. And as I am not perfect, neither is any human being. Most of the time, people let us down because of their own limitations (whether it be physical, emotional or psychological); sometimes they are warranted and other times they are not. When you accept this, you release a little bit of the pain. You realize we are all on an evolutionary journey and on the way, we will often stumble and fall and if no one was around to pick us up, it was probably because He knew we could do it ourselves. When you become perfect, you can hold it against others for being imperfect. Till then, don’t hold it against them … or yourself.

6) Most things aren’t black and white. Most things function within a shade of gray.
This has been the most powerful lesson I learned in 2011 and the one I apply most to my daily life. I have always defined actions and inactions as black (wrong) or white (right). It is why when someone crossed me several times with actions I felt were wrong, I immediately cut them out of my life. I didn’t need them or their negativity. Although this has only happened with a couple of individuals (after much pushing of my buttons), I found myself in a predicament when I conducted myself in a way that could be categorized as “black.” Was it or wasn’t it is subjective. But I found myself in a predicament because I couldn’t cut myself off from myself. And believe me, I wanted to. It was after months of seeking guidance that I realized, firstly, my actions (and that of most others) didn’t need to be defined as black or white, wrong or right, that most things in life functioned within a shade of gray and I was no one to judge someone else … or conversely, myself. It doesn’t mean, you don’t take actions to rectify a situation if someone has mistreated you, but making one or two mistakes doesn’t categorize the person as “bad.” It is likely that they are a person who made one or two bad choices … as likely you have in your life. Are there bad people? Yes. There are people who are innately bad, but even they usually have some deep-rooted psychological reasons for their madness. We have a tendency to categorize and compartmentalize. We are a ‘do or die’ kind of a species so when someone messes up, they immediately fall into the ultimate good or bad category. Today I ask you to take a stance of non-judgment and remember there are many colors in the rainbow. Again, do what is right for you to protect yourself in any situation, but leave the judgment of the other at the door. At the end of the day, good or bad, it is what it is, and you will have to do what you have to do.

Diwali Gift

2011-10-26T07:13:00.000-07:00

Last night I received a gift, one that I never imagined receiving nor felt I deserved. But, as all of God's gifts - they were bestowed and I merely received.

For a couple of years a black cloud laid over my head. I felt I could never be truly happy again; a part of me had died. I bandaged the wound with distraction, with work and made every effort to guard myself from anything that might remotely sting.

I thought of it...and him as a curse, as evil who had penetrated into my life. Last night I truly learned perspective. Last night I found order in the chaos and although I wish I could discuss it in more detail, I can't and don't want to. This one is mine. I can only say that on this auspicious day of Diwali (when Light prevails over Darkness) I realize that it...and he was my greatest gift. For without him, I would never have received the greatest gift of my lifetime; I would not be on the path I am today, I would not have made very necessary changes to my life, my personality, my circumstances, my being.

Now I actually sit in awe wondering how I ever saw it as otherwise, and wonder why God felt I was deserving of this blessing. I pray harder than ever before that I remember this lesson for eternity.

Last night I received a gift, one that I never fathomed receiving - God gave me grace.

Happy Diwali.

Occupy Times Square: New York Marches For A Cause

2011-10-15T21:50:00.000-07:00

My reporting (written) debut at MTV News. I was in awe of the movement and honored to have witnessed it, but more than anything left grateful for everything I have. Even I have struggled but the fruit is worth the wait. Here's to change...

Occupy Times Square: New York Marches For A Cause

60/30/10 Rule

2011-07-31T11:56:00.000-07:00

I am the type of person who has a hard time saying too many words because I feel they are thrown around so much. Words like “I love you”, “I respect you”, “Sorry”, “I promise” etc. are thrown around, quite fleetingly. There was a time when I, too, used those words meaninglessly more often than not. I thought I meant it, at the time, but my actions showed otherwise. It was my mother who, in argument years ago, told me, “Your actions and your words, Natasha, are two different things.” Suddenly an old lesson dawned on me. One that I think is important to share in a society that thrives on vanity, small talk and networking.

It’s the 60/30/10 rule.

Once again, one of the best lessons I learned in life, I learned in drama class. The 60/30/10 rule explains the true expression of all intention, and where we should actually focus our energies.

The ratio is:

60% - body language (simply put – your actions – everything from follow-through to the face you’re making while talking to someone, and the way you are standing)

30% - voice (tone, level, inflection of your voice)

10% - actual words being spoken

It’s why you can nudge a friend laughingly and say, “Asshole”, and it’s taken lightly, followed by a laugh. As opposed to shoving someone and screaming, “Asshole!” followed by a shove. See the difference? The words are the same, but expressed with a different tone, and vastly different body language.

I’ve said it before – it is never WHAT you say, it is HOW you say it. That can make or break a situation, especially in relationship dynamics.

One of my biggest pet peeves is a big talker. We, young “singles ready to mingle” are exposed to this on a regular basis, especially from the opposite gender trying to woo us over. Most of them LOVE to talk – about how smart they are, how great they are, how much money they have, how connected they are, ESPECIALLY how well they treat the opposite sex. Most of them focus on that small 10% and most of us gullibly believe. I know I did.

Buddha says, “A dog is not considered a good dog because he is a good barker. A man is not considered a good man because he is a good talker.”

Since I understood this concept, I have minimized my “talking” as much as possible. I’ve been known to be the anti-actor – I’ve always disliked networking parties for the fake small talk, and now I’ve come to a point in my life where I choose my words very wisely and mean what I say and say what I mean; I refer only those I truly believe in; I praise only those I truly feel deserve it. Words are no longer frivolous to me because I realized how easily the words others threw out at me affected me at such a deep level. That 10% is still very powerful, but like Ben Parker says in Spiderman, “With great power, comes great responsibility.”

I’d rather have someone speak less and do more, than vice versa. Although, I’ve noticed others don’t feel the same. My “Tinman” title has been created because of this, because I’d rather not say meaningless words and would rather do meaningful acts.

But think about this ratio. Think about how your actions, voice and words are expressed. Observe other people’s actions, voice and words. Place 60% on the body language, 30% on the voice, and 10% on the words and you’ll be able to better decipher yours and others’ intentions. And if you care about someone, place a greater emphasis on showing it, some emphasis on the tone you express it with, and less on the words you use. It might make a difference.

Part 2 - Perspective

2011-07-03T09:14:00.000-07:00

For all the times I have cried victim, it is time I call myself out. I have never claimed to be an angel, or perfect, by any means. I feel like this blog usually points out all the “messed up” things about me. But a short while ago I encountered a real eye-opening experience, in which I found myself the perpetrator.

I have often whined about certain mistreatments I have endured in relationships, and to be fair, am now going to call myself out for my mistreatment of someone else.

I am admitting to the world something I have just admitted to myself – I have the Runaway Bride syndrome. I have chosen to be in relationships with people who weren’t right for me, maybe because I knew it would never go anywhere, because I knew it would end and buy me some more time (time for what is the question); and when I was with a good person, who treated me well and loved me, who would do anything for me…I ran away. The worst part is – I never discussed it. A normal person would have a problem, discuss it and try to solve it. It’s always been hard for me to speak about my feelings about a situation (since it usually leads to the dismantling of a relationship), so what was the point? Might as well just end it without a confrontation.

Recently, a discussion with a person in my past made me realize that while I was pointing at someone else, there were three fingers pointing back at me. I had ended a seemingly perfect relationship with this person for no good reason, without consulting anyone, and never explained it…to even him. Eventually life moved on, but I had NO IDEA what rubble I left behind. I had NO IDEA that I became THAT PERSON to someone else – the one that disregarded someone’s feelings; that trampled on someone’s emotions, that didn’t give the relationship a chance. I had NO IDEA that I had affected someone’s life in such a negative way. And it’s not that I did it intentionally, I just wasn’t ready. But does that matter? Does it matter once the damage is done?

I always say people have polar opposites within them, and they function with the same strength. If you can be THAT happy, you have the potential to be THAT sad; if you are THAT calm, you have the potential to be THAT out of control; if you can be THAT warm, you can be THAT cold.

I always thought of myself as a compassionate individual, one that really cares about others and their feelings because I know the courage it takes to express them, but even I have made mistakes.

The last thing I would want is to hurt anyone, at any time. I know, sometimes it is inevitable, it is part and parcel of any relationship dynamic. I don’t feel apologetic for those who deserved my cold treatment, but there are a couple people I can think of who didn’t….they got it because I wasn’t ready to give them the warmth they deserved. So I don’t blame them for disliking me as much as they did. And I publicly admit my mistake, and have privately apologized to them, working to earn their friendship again.

The reason there are two parts to this blog is because I have been grappling with this whole concept of forgiveness. For the handful who know the full story, my actions are nowhere near as damaging as his, but again – pain is relative – there is no comparison. Pain is pain is pain. I caused someone pain, as someone caused me pain.

I’ve said it before and I will say it again – no matter how good something is, if you are not ready to receive it, you will take any action necessary to push it away.

Maybe he just wasn’t ready, as I wasn’t ready. I know it’s not the same situation, but I don’t see it as that different, either. Maybe he didn’t know any better, or maybe he was just born an asshole, or maybe…maybe…maybe. The point is, I’m not perfect either…so who am I not to forgive someone?

*This song basically encompasses it all. Beautiful.

Part 1 - Getting it Together

2011-06-18T21:03:00.000-07:00

I’m a really lazy person, at heart. My sleeping habits are a direct reflection of this. But I’m so lazy that I don’t even like holding or harboring negative feelings because I’m too lazy to keep remembering what has upset me. I’d rather just forget about it and move on. At least I used to.

My dad taught me not to use the word ‘hate’. He said it was too strong a word and I should never retain such negative feelings within myself. I understood what he meant or maybe I was too lazy to argue, so I removed it from my vocabulary. I replaced it with ‘dislike’.

Eg. I dislike cockroaches, with a passion. I dislike bad teeth. I dislike hard labor (some of us just aren’t meant for it). I dislike being lied to.

Get my point?

But last year I used the word, for the first time, against someone. When he pushed me to the edge of hell and back, and then again, I finally snapped. I told him, “I hate you”. And I meant it. And I held it. I held on to it for dear life because for once, I needed the hate to stay away from someone toxic for my existence. I hated him.

Now, ten months later, the laziness is kicking in. The hate has done its festering, and now I’m bored of it. I’m bored of being closed off, I’m bored of not trusting, I’m bored of feeling heavy. My aura used to be one so much clearer and purer. Sweeter. Now, I, myself, sense a light, simmering fire beneath, that remains glowing below, exploding with certain triggers.

Holding on to it doesn’t seem authentic to me. It’s not me to be like this. But a part of me fights within saying, “But why am I always the one forgiving? Why do I always have to be the bigger person?” Then I remember KB Aunty putting me in my place once quipping back with, “Who are you not to forgive someone?” It’s true. I’m no one and I’ve been forgiven hundreds of times before (given, never because I inflicted pain on anyone but still pain is always relative).

I’ve repeated this lesson I learned in acting class several times before, and I will repeat it again because it is true in life: there is no emotion as anger, anger is just loud pain. Maybe my “I hate you” was a big “I fucking loved you and you killed me!” Even that is old news now. Now all that remains are the charred remains of a once-full heart, that has burned like a wildfire from hate, from pain.

Buddha says, “You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger.”

I feel this every second I am awake. The only one continuing to suffer is me. I want to come to a place where I can forgive someone for ungodly mistakes. I just want to let it go and say, “maybe he didn’t know any better”, even though I know he did. But I can’t forgive someone with the expectation that they will change, or they will understand the errors of their way, or for anything but the act of forgiving and letting our souls free.

I’m not there yet. I don’t quite know how to with him. But I know I will one day. I have to. It’s the only step left.

Explore

2011-06-12T07:47:00.000-07:00

I have had a lot of life experiences from a very young age. I have seen most of the gamut of good, bad, and most of all – ugly. You could say it’s probably why I am a bit stunted, emotionally, but it has certainly evolved me spiritually.

My most humbling lesson, though, is one I still endure. For those who don’t know, I have been inflicted with some “mysterious illness” for the past six years. I have kept it under the radar from most for a long time. I’ve been speculated to have several things – from cancer, to MS, to a rare brain disease. Don’t worry, I don’t have any. Now, with that said, I want you to forget all the rational questions that would follow someone saying such a thing, and just accept this as the truth of the situation because I have a point I am trying to make.

Through it all, and there is a lot of ‘all’, I have learned two of my greatest lessons in life, that I hope to pass on to you to apply in whatever life situation you deem fit:

1) You have exactly what you need, right now.

*Note that I wrote ‘need’ and not ‘want’.

2) No one will remember what you did for long, but they will always remember how you made them feel.
*Think of your favorite people in your life…now think of the ones you haven’t liked. Do you remember what they did? Or do you just remember how they made you feel?

I want to share these two very personal lessons because we are in a generation of ‘want’, and in a generation of ‘I’, and I want to remind all of you that you came with nothing, and you will leave with nothing. Your remnants will not remain with the material, it will only remain within your relationships.

Trust someone who had it all stripped away – every single thing at one point from looks to money to job to family to health, at different times in my life, to faithfully say, “I have always had enough.”

If you’re in a situation where you think you don’t have something, or the world doesn’t have something, instead of becoming a cynic become an explorer because God never, ever leaves you without some tool, some anchor, some saving grace. He just leaves it to you to find it. “Necessity is the mother of invention.” When you have no other choice, you will go searching for it yourself. But why wait till shit hits the fan? Why not see that there is more to life and living that just what you do, and what you wear, how much you can buy, or what other people think? Because there really is.

I would never wish the card I had been dealt to my worst enemy. But I would never exchange any experience for a less challenging one in any lifetime, because every day that I can breathe, every day I can lift a finger, hug my parents, eat my food, think of an idea, love another, write this blog…feels like a miracle….so much so that sometimes it doesn’t make sense to me. Sometimes I question how I could be deserving of these simplest, most powerful, and divine blessings? Every day I live in an attitude of gratitude, and I try to ‘want’ less.

I guess my point of this blog was a deep message from within asking all of you to see beyond the illusionary brick wall you have built in your lives.

Trust that there is a plan for you, a good plan, but He can only lead you there if you follow. “You can take the horse to the river, but you can’t make it drink water.”

And trust that you are measured by far more than the physical. You just have to choose how you want to be remembered.

All I can say is…there is more…go explore.

My Symphony

2011-06-05T20:43:00.000-07:00

If I could unleash the symphony
What a sound it would display:
Screeching highs with somber lows,
A beautiful monstrosity of twists and turns,
And whimsical spins in moments of despair,
A crescendo so intense its vibrations
Create an aftershock that won’t settle,
A crack that won’t repair.
The elaborate composition
Would spell a journey so deep,
Its orchestra could only,
Never to repeat.
Conducted by red,
They had to follow the note,
The length of the bar,
To the tip of the throat,
To the scratching point,
When the strings start to split,
For the last leg of the journey
Is hardest to hit.
Knowing the song must come to an end,
As every one before,
As every one hence.
Anticipation still kills,
For the applause they still live,
For that final harmony
Of which they have dreamt.
The final page turns,
The denouement sets in,
The players awaken
As the lights go dim.
The last tune is heard,
The audience akin,
The beautiful monstrosity
Is made of its sins.

Healing

2011-05-15T09:47:00.000-07:00

I would describe myself as an honest but flawed individual. People are often impressed with my ambitions and tenacity. I can safely say that I am pretty clear in most aspects of my life, in terms of what I want and goals and such…with one big exception - I’m terrible at relationships. I’m often asked, “What is your type? What do you want? Where do you want it to go?” My answer is usually filled with stumbles, reluctance, lack of surety, and loss of words. I know it in my head, but, as usual, can’t seem to articulate the things deepest in my heart.

Funny enough, I was always the one in a relationship…and generally long ones. After several failed relationships, I was finally called out about it. My friends came at me that maybe I just couldn’t be alone. Maybe I had to look deeper to find the answer. I totally disagreed! I knew me better than anyone. I had no voids I was trying to fill with relationships. I just liked people and went with it.

Of course, I was wrong. After my last breakup with someone who minced my spirit like cheap meat, I realized there was something deeper going on. Why did I stay for so long? Why this person? Why was I so blinded? What were the common threads between all the people I had dated?

I realized what was going on with the former (although I’ll leave that for another blog post), and I figured out some interesting stuff about the latter. Firstly, it seems I have no real “type”, with the exception that I like people who are athletic. But look-wise, education-wise, race-wise, religion-wise, sometimes even value-wise, all have been very, very different. The only other common thread has been that they are all strong-minded, sometimes rigid individuals; they can convince me of anything, and I can convince them of nothing. It seems that I thought, “If this combo didn’t work, let’s try the opposite. Well, that didn’t work, so let’s try this. Hmm…no go. How about this?” It was a lame hit and miss, totally unconscious, until now.

So, what have I been looking for?

Deepak Chopra says, “However good or bad you feel about your relationship, the person you are with at this moment is the "right" person, because he or she is a mirror of who you are inside.” This does not mean if you are with a terrible person that it reflects terrible things living within you. We, humans, are a culmination of our experiences. Some we get closure from, others are left as open wounds that either we take the time to heal, or patch up with temporary bandaids. We choose people who we know will expose our deepest, most subconscious beliefs about ourselves and our lives (good or bad). It means, we are egoic beings who will subconsciously even endure suffering for the sake of being right; and on the other end, we are spiritual beings who will invite the same test so one day we face it, and overcome our deepest fears.

I, like all of you reading, have had an eventful young life, thus far. I have a lot of underlying wounds. Recently I had lunch with a friend and he asked me, “Are you healed?” I didn’t know what the right answer was. The truth is I don’t know. I don’t know what it means “to heal”. Do you ever heal from the past? Or do you just move on? Will I ever be able to truly heal from everything? My answer to him was, “All I can say is that I have accepted the past as it is.” Does the past ever cross my mind? Of course. Some words, actions, places, things do trigger old memories (positive and negative)…so maybe the answer is no. But, as an actor, a treasure chest of emotions, I have to remember; these memories are the backbone of my work, they make it more powerful so how can I completely let go?

So what do I need healing from? Well, let me try to articulate some basics of it. I’ve been in many relationships, it sucks to admit that in public. It feels worse to admit that I only felt safe once…with my first, real boyfriend of four years. He was the only one I can safely say loved me more, he gave to me in equal amounts, he loved me for me, and he took care of me like family. Simply put, he set the bar really high. Sadly, the last time I felt safe was 10 years ago. We broke up because we were growing in different directions. Besides him, I’ve always been in relationships with people who couldn’t commit, didn’t know how to give, who wanted me but couldn’t show it, who needed convincing, and/or whose heart was never really in it, in the first place.

But that’s all incidental. What do I really need healing from? I’ve been asked before, “Everyone else believes in you, why don’t you believe in yourself?” I will tell you the real answer now - because I’ve never been good enough to be loved. The key words are “I’ve never been good enough”. From my earliest childhood memories with my family, to adolescent ones with friends, to young adult ones in relationships, this is the subliminal message I have gathered. I have even gone so far as convincing myself I don’t deserve it. I will never explain the reasons why but it is what it is. The point is this belief is my greatest enemy. This is the reflection of what is inside me. I can blame others for my failed relationships, but the truth is, the only constant has been me. Consciously, or unconsciously I have allowed certain people in whom I know will make me feel the above, thus furthering my inner belief and ego; and again on the other end, who will expose my fears so, one day, I can step up and face them.

My friend was right in asking me the questions he did because now I can see that I probably have not healed. I’m still not sure what I need to do to heal, but I am aware of it a little more now. I can’t yet figure out how I’m supposed to feel “good enough” or “deserving” except for not accepting anything less than what I would accept for my own daughter, if I had one.

I take this very public journey, even though I feel exposed, because this is the truth, and I want you to feel the one thing I didn’t feel enough of – safe. I want you to feel safe enough to be honest with yourselves too. You, at least, know that there is one person, in myself, who is not and will never judge you. We all need healing.

I guess you are healed when your actions and words are relinquished of expectations and intentions carried from the past. You are healed when triggers are far and fewer in between. You are healed when fear no longer has any grip on the way you think, speak or behave; and especially when you are able to, once again, be the…BEST…YOU.

So the question is: are you the best you? Are you healed?

Free Dimki!

2011-04-24T17:20:00.000-07:00

Do you ever stare at the mirror and really look at the person staring back at you? Have you ever taken a good, long look into your own eyes? They say, “eyes are the windows to the soul”, and I believe this to be true. If you truly look into someone’s eyes, their entire life story screams out at you, for they truly bear witness to all of it.

Have you ever compared the eyes of a child to that of an adult? A child’s eyes are so pure, glistening with light, hope, love, purity; they know no pain, and/or have the capacity to comprehend only a minute amount of it. An adult’s eyes are also child-like in their sensitivity; we have endured betrayals and seen that love isn’t always unconditional, as we once thought so they bear a film, a residue of sorts; our eyes express our broken hearts.

I try never to live with regret, although there are times I wish I could go back in time. If I had a Genie, and could make one, personal wish…it would be to be Dimki again. Dimki has been my nickname since I was born, and only my family refers to me by that name. Dimki is the free child in me, the free spirit, the infinitely powerful soul, my source of creative juice, the source of all my love.

Growing up, I was always yelled at for being too naive, I wore my heart on my sleeve, I loved till I was hurt and still loved some more, I cried openly, I spoke openly, I was an open book. Open, open, open. But as much as I gave, in direct response, I took in the opposite. It’s like leaving your back door open on a sunny day – you let in the sweet breeze, but several mosquitoes too.

I think my greatest gift and curse has been my love. When I do something, I like to do it wholeheartedly, with no safeguards or prejudices attached. So when I loved, I loved regardless of anything. I like being a free bird so I encourage freedom, I don’t like the word “hate”, I rarely used the word “competition”, I don’t believe in being “jealous”. Looking back, I could see the light that used to emanate from me, from Dimki.

Although I still express my love to those close to me, I am nowhere near as open as I was. My dad always said, “People will take advantage of you”, and they did. I still continued on, refusing to let anyone be that important to change the essence of my being…until last year…when I shut down. Literally. I shut Dimki down and brought forth Natasha – the reserved one, the guarded adult, the one that thinks twice, three times and then once more before she acts or speaks.

I can state the date I had my shut down. It wasn’t a conscious decision, it just happened – all my feelings and emotions shut down. I still feel things…I’m not totally numb, but I am different. I’ve often been called “cold-hearted”, “emotionless”, “stone faced”. I laugh it off, but somewhere I know it to be true, and somewhere inside it hurts.

It’s funny, where once I used to be lectured to control my emotions, I’m now being told to feel more. I can’t share the way I used to…again, literally. When I speak to someone, I look them in the eye, but when I’m discussing anything close to me, I avoid eye contact, I ramble, I make no sense whatsoever, I rush, I hesitate, I feel a physical tightness in my chest, my heart beats fast…for the smallest of things!! I don’t feel like talking about my problems because I think it’s not important…why would anyone else care? I don’t want to be a pain or a burden or a bore. Everyone likes a cheery person, right? I try not to cry in front of others now because it makes the other person uncomfortable, and I cry every time I speak about my feelings…so why do it at all? It doesn’t mean I don’t go through things, I do…I just can’t seem to muster up the courage to share my life, like I once did. I tell my family and friends about things once I have already gone through the worst, alone. Then I open up. They all yell at me, “Why do you always tell us after the fact??” In all honesty, I don’t want to tell people my deepest thoughts and feelings, to have them leave me or judge me, or worse be burdened by me. I feel like I live with enough of that guilt.

It’s interesting to think that I was more courageous when I was 15 than I am at 26. I boldly believed in my dreams, in life, in people, in love. Now I think I am being careful, but in reality I’m just being weak. I’d rather hide in my work, which is my safe haven, than go out there and experience life again. I’d rather not hear another, “I told you so”.

The funniest part of all of this is that my first piece of advice to anyone experiencing a strain in any dynamic of relationship is to be open and talk about it, without expectation. And here I am, being a hypocrite, one of the traits I dislike the most.

For me the problem is, I’m still not sure what the right balance is. I don’t know what the right amount of openness. I know you should love, but be cautious at the same time, let someone be deserving of it, but a part of me just wants to hug the shit outta everyone I meet and take them in as my own.

Maybe it’s the Gemini in me (a truly dialectical sign, which is one of my friend’s favorite words), where two total opposites, extremes of sorts, live within me and function at the same time, pulling from both sides. Do I give in to one or the other…or pull them towards me, instead? Finding a way to synthesize the polars might be the answer but how do I do that??

It’s so hard! Opening up seems to take so much more work than it used to! It makes me feel so much more vulnerable than it used to! I want to run away so much faster than I used to! I know one day it will all catch up to me…I just don’t want it to be too late.

But with all of that said, with all the fear that resides in me, I am trying to get it together. As of today, I am making a conscious decision and statement that I will open up again. Not all at once because I don’t think anyone will be able to handle this train wreck :P but I will certainly give more of myself, not in hopes to receive anything, but in hopes to free Dimki again.

I wrote this today because I think there are many more out there like me…with a free spirit waiting to break loose. In keeping it captive, we are not only doing ourselves a disservice, but allowing negativity to grow in an ever dark world. I know there is light within all of us, but we gotta open the shutter to let it in…and out.

To my family and dear friends…thanks for sticking with me through this time of transition. I know many of you miss Dimki…so do I, and I appreciate you allowing me to do this in my own time. Please know that I love you all with every inch of my being. Even if I can’t always bring myself to say more than “I love you”, know that those are deep words for me and encompass everything I feel within and more.

Like I say, “Never follow your fear, it will always lead you to the dark”. For those of you who know me, I dislike cloudy, dark days….and I’m over it. I’m getting ready to cartwheel in the sun again…with you. I hope you will join me, Dimki.

Onwards...

2011-04-17T19:34:00.000-07:00

I recently went back to the beginning (of the end). With my goal, this year, to create more space between my spiritual and my physical, this was a necessary step.

Around this time last year, in this very spot, I stood broken. The thread of my being had become so intertwined with someone else’s that I couldn’t de-tangle myself. It seemed the more I tried, the worse it got.

For the past little while, there have been several reminders of the past, nothing I would consciously anticipate. I’d see something and **flash**, I’d hear something and **flash**; my usually dreamless nights were no escape either because even there **flash**. I knew it was time I faced one of my many demons.

As I revisited this place that used to be full of sweet memories, but was now associated with such terrible ones, I felt my body enter a state of dis-ease. Rather than forcing the feeling away, I allowed it to feel whatever it wanted. Soon it settled, although I still felt an eerie hollowness surrounding me. It wasn’t the closure I had expected, but then again…what was I expecting?

My purpose of going back to the start was not to erase what had happened there, but replace it. I didn’t want to take part in any conscious resistance or regret or attachment…so I let it all be. I took the simple action of letting life happen in this new day, and placing my focus on the present, to let the old wash away. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.

Am I totally free from my past? No. Some residue remains, and maybe it always will. I’ll just make sure to channel the energy in the right direction. I can say this, though that with this gentle action of non-action, I lifted the heavily anchored chains on my feet one step forward. And with every one of these new steps I take, I simultaneously sew a single, new thread – one that isn’t concerned with what new sweater I will sew, but rather content in the knowledge that whatever it is, it will keep me warm because now it is aware of where it is going.

I Love You

2011-03-18T20:27:00.000-07:00

For our dearly departed...

I don’t know how I will get through this day
Memories will haunt me till my very grave
Even if I burn, they will carry within,
Pass with me like the seasons and the wind

Etched in my very being, the deepest part of me
Aches with the strength of a tidal wave tsunami
Flooding my cells with emotions beyond control
So powerful, debilitating that I have to take hold

Or else I release my existence and sanity to black
Forget to forgive and never give back
Just drown in the depths of my weak, weak will
Paying “homage” from the dusk until...

Dawn, when you will finally shine and let your powers unfurl
"Be the change you want to see in this world"
The kind that I could never be,
But wished so much,
Oh, so tenderly.

They say God’s will is found even in broken dreams
I can certainly say you are the best gift
The very best gift that never came to be.

Set it Free

2011-03-03T20:22:00.000-08:00

People often don’t understand what my connection to you really is. I’ve never been able to express it in words, but today I will try.

You, nor anyone else knows this. Till now.

Since we were mere cubs, like young Nala and Simba running through the wild, wide eyed and enthusiastic, I prayed for you. Not a regular prayer, but probably my deepest prayer ever, and it was for you.

I used to feel a resounding presence with me and around me; an aura that was so strong that I knew it was alive. At a very young age I called it my angel. My angel was my invisible best friend, the one I spoke to when no one was looking, the one I cried to when no one listened, the one I poured my heart to when I had nowhere to go. The warmth of my angel’s presence was remarkable, I could feel my angel place him/herself on the foot of my bed since I was a wee young’un, so much so that I used to move my legs to make space for my angel to sit. I loved my angel. I loved the peace my angel brought to my life and my night.

I remember that night vividly. You had gotten yourself into some terrible trouble. You were hurt, and your life was in possible danger. You kept me away to keep me safe. I remember.

I remember how scared I was, how much I cried, how much I hoped you were okay. I wouldn’t hear from you till it was all over, but who knows when that would be. I knew that desperate times called for desperate measures.

So in that moment I did what I do best – I prayed. I remember calling upon my angel, I remember speaking to him/her and pouring and pouring and pouring and praying and pleading and praying and asking and praying and crying and hoping and praying and praying and praying. I remember what I said…

I said, “Angel, I know you’re there and I know you love me. But the truth is I know I am blessed and that you and God will always take care of me. Today I ask you of the hardest thing I’ve asked for yet…as much as I love you, I need you to go to him. If you truly love me, you will protect him, you will be with him…not just now but forever. I know I will be fine, but he needs you more than me. Whatever happens in life, never leave him.”

This was the hardest thing because inside I was actually scared. I would probably need help in my life, but I found strength in knowing that God was a generous guy and I’d figure out a way so I uttered those words.

And then there was silence. I felt the warmth increase for a few moments like I was being given a tight hug, followed by a quick release. In the silence and cold breeze I understood the spiritual event that occurred.

Within a matter of moments my angel was gone. Gone to fulfill its new purpose…to take care of you, someone I loved more than my life. I immediately felt the lack of presence, and that hole has always remained. But, to date, I never regretted it. I knew and know that I will get through whatever I need to go through, my concern was always making sure you were covered.

As the years passed, I saw your ups and many downs. During a particularly low phase, I often wondered if you were still being watched over. It was hard to watch you change before my eyes, not in a bad way, just in a new way. There was a fire in you, I could see it in your eyes, in your behavior, in every aura. Sometimes it scared me, but you never saw it. I couldn’t help but blame myself for the spark. During this time, I really wondered if you were going to be okay. Deep inside, I knew you were, that all of this must be a part of your journey.

Today, ten years later, I now see everything falling into place for you, my best friend. I hear the change in your voice, the calm that I always wished you would find, the maturity I always wished you would embody, the peace I always wished you would attain. And I can finally do today the very same thing I did all those years ago when I said that prayer – let go and let God.

Thank you for a lifetime of laughs, cries, friendship, loyalty, adventures, and unequivocally unconditional love.

As hard as it is for me to do all of this, I guess that’s part of the beauty of life. I recently learned to “Cling to Truth”. The truth is: you were my first love. But you are not my last. I always wish you enough. No one deserves it more than you.

The Wandering Willow

2011-02-22T20:11:00.000-08:00

I’ve been in deep thought for the past several months. I’ve been trying to understand why a big part of my life ever came to be the way it was…why did the apple fall the way it did from the tree? What could this wandering willow have been in search of?

Ever really wonder what our families, friends, teams, groups, organizations, companies and such give us? Likeness, camaraderie, understanding are by products of what I believe they really give us – belonging. I belong to the Chandel clan; I belong to this group of friends; I belong to this dance team; I belong to this union; I belong to this company….I belong.

It is part of our egoic being to want to belong, to have a place we ‘exist’.

When I left Toronto back in 2008, I made the very hard decision to walk away from my family and dance team (to whom I belonged for nearly ten years). I left the safety of the nest to find myself wandering aimlessly. At the time, I didn’t know what I was looking for. I thought it was career growth. Today I understand the truth.

To answer my original question, “What was I in search of?” The answer: a place to call home.

It is no secret that growing up (and I use that term loosely because I felt like this until very, very recently) I felt like the black sheep of the family – the one who did NOT belong, the one who always did it wrong, the one who always caused the problems, the one who created catastrophe from the very day of her birth, the one who always made bad choices, the one who always thought outside of the box, the one who just didn’t fit. I felt like a round peg trying to fit myself into a square hole. This is of no fault of my family’s but probably of mine as a sensitive soul who took life to heart.

Now looking back it is no wonder I walked into the arms of one relationship to the next only to find that I didn’t belong enough for him to control his addition, I didn’t belong enough for him to choose me, I didn’t belong enough for him to even pick up a phone. But I still sought. I would find him…(the subconscious equivalent - I would find a home).

The decision to leave everything I knew and felt comfortable with to walk into the unknown of big bad New York City, with nothing but two bags and no place to go certainly left me with a lot of anxiety.

So when he came knocking on my door promising me the world I believed him, as skeptic as my first opinion was. But the thought of a total stranger understanding and loving you like no other had before…oh, so romantic! Maybe I finally found him?!

People always ask me, “You are such a smart girl, Natasha! How did you not see?” They are referring to the lies and monstrosity I endured in the relationship that changed my life (and I also use the term ‘relationship’ loosely because there was zero symbiosis that a real relationship infers).

I didn’t know the answer then, but I’m beginning to understand what happened.

In my unconscious quest to find a new home, I chose to overlook all the neglect, the manipulation, the abuse, the lies. At least I had someone to turn to when I was sick or upset, right? Nope. He wasn’t even there then. My home was empty. Through the good times and the bad, I was generally alone. But somewhere in my desperate mind, I still belonged. He still trumped me around like a trophy. He still held my hand tightly like a prize. He still talked up a storm about me to others. He still loved me, right? At least I was still his.

Of course the truth is I wasn’t. I never was. And it was this “relationship” that opened my eyes to not just my weakness, but the weakness of every single human trying to “be” in this world….trying to BE-LONG…to perpetually BE in a state of LONGING, of desire, of want, of yearning, of needing to BE a part of something, to know we exist.

Because I won’t exist if someone doesn’t tell me I exist, right? I won’t exist unless someone takes me in, right?

WRONG!

It took a harsh wake up call, countless tear-filled nights, brutal self-honesty to realize I was searching for something that was always mine. I was looking to belong elsewhere when I belonged at home, with myself first. As such, I also had to snap out of my old pattern of thought of feeling like the black sheep. I almost literally slapped myself upside the head and said, “Stop being stupid. You know they love you at home. You know they are always there for you. You know they would do anything for you.” I had to come to terms with this childhood pain to move forward.

I am writing about this because I strongly feel and see in others the same neediness that I had in me. This is not to say that you will make the wrong choices, as I sometimes shamefully admit I made, but I hope to make you aware of what grows within you so you may nurture a better seed…so you search for true fulfillment in your life, as I am seeking now.

I’m still working on learning to love myself completely, but for the first time I don’t feel this burning desire to be anywhere but with me, first. For the first time I feel free of a certain level of attachment, confident in being my number one, content with the likeness and camaraderie and understanding I am learning to have with my self. For the first time the urge to belong elsewhere has subsided.

And for the very first time, I don’t seek from the outside what has always been there for me on the inside.

I’m still a work in progress but there is a growing stillness in me that I am starting to have a new love affair with, and I don’t feel apologetic about it. For once, I am building a relationship with the absolute best person for me….me.

Apple of my Own Eye

2011-01-08T21:55:00.000-08:00

I look forward to the day their words match their actions. I look forward to the day I am not a possession to be had, or a trophy to be flaunted, or a challenge to overcome. I look forward to the day when I am worth overcoming a fear, or a vice, or innate selfishness. I look forward to the day I can take with complete confidence, and give with complete love. I look forward to the day I can dream and have it embraced as his own, as I would embrace his. I look forward to the day being me is perfect for him. I look forward to the day he loves my outside but is in love with what’s inside. Because you’re not respecting a woman by being honest that you just want her for her body, real respect is in never seeing a woman for just her body.

I look forward to the day I feel safe in this crazy world. I look forward to the day he holds my hands to take me down the path of my greatest fear, and says, “I’ve got you and I’m never letting you go”. I look forward to the day he means what he does, and he does what he means.

Till then I vow to be the apple of my own eye.

Purpose

2010-12-22T21:15:00.000-08:00

For those who don’t know…I’ve been in the midst of a very personal project. Most of the Fall and Winter has been spent in producing my first comedy web series, Landing in Mumbai. I had actually come up with the idea two years ago. It came to me, I wrote it, had it copywritten with a pilot script and bible, and then sat on it. I spoke to my “besties”, who encouraged me to make it into a video blog type of show. As a FYI – I have worked in TV since I was 16 so I was trained in producing and it was all mapped out in my head but I had just moved to New York City with little resources, even less money, and a few friends. I am not one to push against the tide…so I told them, “When the time is right, it will fall into place.” I’m not sure if I believed it could really happen, but I believed in the theory. When has time ever been right for me? That’s movie talk.

Two years later, after an arduous year and terrible heartache, I was left with my thoughts and dreams and the pain of “what could have been”. Where would I have been if I just focused on something else? Where would I have been if I didn’t let myself get affected? What would I have achieved?

I’m not going to lie. I just asked these questions. These questions still did not drive me to do anything more.

For the longest time I had forced myself to think and act in a certain way – to control my feelings, even if they were telling me to do something different. If I was mad, I suppressed; if I were sad, I faked; if I was happy, I calmed down. But this time I was mad, I was sad, I was grateful yet weighted, and I didn’t fight it. I purposely let it be. One – it kept and keeps me away from a certain kryptonite, of sorts; and two – because it was real. During this time I actually went back and re-read my own blog posts. I stared at old pictures of myself that made me cry. How different I was back then. How different things were, in general. Yet the truth in my words remained the same.

One blog I wrote stuck out to me. I had written about a lesson I learned to “see, rather than seek”. There is an element of non-resistance is just seeing without actively seeking. There is a level of faith involved that you will see and absorb just what you are meant to, what is right for you.

So I sat back and saw, and heard, and absorbed.

Finally, a friend who saw some light spark in me while talking about this show I had written, pushed me to produce it. It was easy for him – he said, “Just do it!” That’s what everyone seemed to be telling me, but it wasn’t that easy!! He then added, “You just start prepping the production and I’ll get everything else taken care of.” I still wasn’t convinced. Finally, he told me, “Don’t try. Stop hoping. Intend to do it.” That hit home.

Still wary, I let it all sink in. Should I? Shouldn’t I? How would I make this happen???

Then out of the blue, as God would have it, I got a message from another friend saying, “God’s waiting for you to let Him take over, Natasha. Let Him.” WTF?! Where did that come from? I texted back asking what that was about and he replied, “I don’t know. I was meditating and it came to me.”

I had a houseguest at the time – a good friend who also happened to be a Channel Executive in India. She was also trying to encourage me. She and I were walking up Park Ave. when I received the above text. And within the next two blocks I saw:

Mingle with the Gods.
One desperate act will start things.
Ruin is the road to transformation.

That was it. I saw my answer. FAITH over fear. Just do it.

Where it was going to go, how it was going to happen – I had no idea.

From then on, till now I ask God one thing every night – please take over.

God knows I don’t know much of anything anymore. But I do know this – when it is right, it is easy. When you surrender to Him, you fly. If you take one step to Him, He will take 100 towards you.

Within a matter of two weeks I had a team of 8-10 people for the production of Landing in Mumbai. I had one of my best friends (a musical genius) come on board for music, I had friends pulling favors, I had 11 episodes ready to shoot in Times Square and India, and I had my parents say they were proud of me – one of the highlights of my life.

As soon as I made that decision to “go for it”, my life had a renewed purpose. Trust me, I don’t know how this has all happened or where it will go. I don’t consider the show mine and say it is my team and God and my angel who have made it happen. What the future holds – no idea. But it gave me a glimmer of hope in immense darkness that there is a way to channel your self for good. I wasn’t sure if anyone was going to laugh at the jokes or get the character or understand the premise…but it has snowballed to something bigger than I imagined. I will write a couple more blogs to tell you about other aspects, too.

But, in the meantime, to those who have helped make this project a success – God, my family, my friends, my team, you all as viewers – you can’t begin to imagine what you have done for me. You gave a broken soul a type of healing no amount of money or fame could buy. You gave me purpose….and for that I am eternally grateful.

The Motions

2010-12-15T23:04:00.000-08:00

The warm drop hits my forearm.
One single droplet from the pool in my eyes quickly turns into two, three...dozens.

As I sit upright with my head leaning forward, hovering above my clasped hands, I realize I am more in a begging position than praying.

I beg for help, for guidance, for relief, for healing. I don't know if I deserve it.

This makes the current flow stronger and harder, pulling me deeper and deeper into the eye of the storm.

In the midst of all the happiness, I am sad. Deeply, deeply sad. All I can do is plead...

It is in this silent torment, though, that I realize that I had to drown in the depth of my weakness to truly see the potential of my strength. The next step is working to achieve it...for a bigger purpose than myself.

Action!

2010-10-12T20:06:00.000-07:00

We all know the infamous Shakespeare quote:
All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts

Have you ever thought of yourself (as ‘all the men and women’) as ‘players’? As actors?

Think again about all the roles you play in life. How each one requires a different set of skills, a different costume, a different emotion, even different titles. We play the role of child to our parents, parents to our children, students at school, teachers to students, friends, lovers, enemies, and then we have our jobs – we play the role of engineer, accountant, producer, chef, driver, janitor…etc. etc.

If you still need convincing, let’s take the thought of being a player a step further because being an actor is a humbling profession…much like Life is a humbling existence.

How is it all humbling, you ask?

Real actors, true actors, real souls don’t live for themselves. Yes, they are the face of the production, but they know their purpose is deeper – is for others – is to give.

An Actor, on stage, is equivalent to a human, in Life.

The Director is equivalent to God.

The Director does allow the Actor to spend time with him/herself to make their own choices at every step. Each choice places emphasis on a completely different path, and the Director encourages the actor to make the strongest choice. If the Actor is on point, the Director feeds his/her soul more, pushes them to explore even further; if the Actor is veering off the path, the Director steers the Actor, their development, and ultimately the story back to center, where it belongs.

A real Actor’s job is to be the vessel to deliver the Director’s message. A real Actor knows it is not about the Actor, but the production.

Conflict arises when the Actor feels the story or character or direction should go another way. Sometimes the Actor gets so caught up in taking the reins of their own character that they forget who is in charge, who sees the bigger picture, who sees the production as a whole, as opposed to dwelling on one small element of it (the Actor). In this case, the Director is the wise guy.

When an Actor leaves his/her direction in the hands of the Director, it is with FAITH (For Always I Trust Him).

And when an Actor allows the Director to see him/her till the end of the production, the Actor flies – exploring greater heights and understanding and light than they could ever fathom.

In this way, it would seem that we all are merely players.

Welcome to the Craft.

End scene.

I'll Tell You What I Want...

2010-10-01T21:21:00.000-07:00

We all have dreams, desires, wants. We often yearn for these things, so intensely that we think it is because it is meant for us. Then we fantasize about them, we envision getting what we want, we become energized with the illusory feel of what it would be like to have it. Finally, we wait for it to come. We wait. And wait. And continue to wait. Most of the time, we haven't waited very long but it's like waiting for test results...every second feels like a lifetime. Sometimes what we dream, desire, want doesn't come to fruition during that period of wait.

Then we cry.

We cry and cry and cry some more. Every tear that sheds is proof of how badly we really want that thing. We pray and plead as the tears streak down our faces. How can He not see how badly I want this?!

Simply put, we forget who holds the reigns. We forget that the universe or God already knows how badly we want something, even if we never shed a single tear, if we never utter a word about it or gasp a breath over it. We forget He knows everything. Knowing everything doesn't leave room for oversight. Perfection doesn't leave room for imperfection.

GOD NEVER BLINKS.

So why do we cry?

The answer is in knowing that crying for something doesn't mean you want it any more, it just means you can 'take it' a little less.

We should all try to "let go and let God." Smile through as much of it as possible. Trust me, He still knows how badly you want it.

Divinity in Motion

2010-09-27T21:19:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you're just the vessel. Most of the time. Sometimes the test is not yours but rather for those around you. Sometimes you endure so someone else can learn, can find their way. But in the process of enduring, you will most likely learn invaluable lessons too. You can call it ‘killing two birds with one stone’. I like to call it divinity in motion. Who are we to argue with that?

Maybe it’s all part and parcel of the pursuit of Happyness.

Understanding this might not remove the pain but hopefully makes it more bearable.

Lighten the load

2010-09-26T20:15:00.001-07:00

Keep yourself busy. Be distracted. But when you come back home - sit alone. If in the spaces of silence and stillness, you feel even a slight heaviness – there is misalignment. Look within.

If you’re always on the run, ask yourself “for what?” More importantly, ask yourself “from what?”

At this point, stop the distractions. Focus on the cause. You might find that you are running away from yourself. How many of us can actually sit totally alone with ourselves? How many of us can actually be at complete peace with our reflection?

An idle mind is the devil’s workshop, but in my opinion, a heavy heart is the devil’s sanctuary.

It takes time to clear the clutter, but do it. Lighten the heavy load. Make room for something better to live within. I’m working on clearing on mine, too.

Count

2010-08-26T17:34:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was one of those days for me where I just wanted to wish it all away. I just wanted an ‘out’, a ‘do over’. Unfortunately, it’s not that easy. So, instead I decided to count.

My blessings, that is.

Last night, as I sat upright to pray on my partially indented spring mattress, I took a long look around at my new apartment.

For any of you thinking I am living the dream in New York, let me enlighten you on my past year…

It’s been one year and three months since my moving to the Big Apple. My first dwelling was at a family friend’s basement for $500 a month, in the ghetto of Jamaica, Queens where I had a forced curfew of 9:30 pm because it was really that ghetto. Just a couple blocks down was a forest known as a perpetual ground for rapists. I trekked an hour one-way into Manhattan for auditions and meetings, and the gym; I dragged all my belongings for the day in a big Shiamak backpack that seemed half my size. Eventually I moved out, quickly at the end of the month because among deeper marital issues the family friend wanted a maid, not a tenant.

Stressed, disappointed and after much searching, I found an apartment on Roosevelt Island (by the way the image is the Manhattan skyline from my island), a beautifully kept secret of New York, the last stop in Manhattan on the F train, and just down the block from one of my best friend’s house. I shared it with six people, including myself; three boys, three girls, all younger. With nothing but my clothes, I moved in. One roommate sweetly allowed me to borrow a twin mattress which I plopped on the floor, and so I began setting up by 12x10 room. Slowly I upgraded to a twin bed and got a TV stand and a television. We didn’t have much of a living room so most of the time I stayed in my portion. Besides work or running errands, I crashed in my box. Cooking was hard because there were so many people and not enough space to store anything perishable…so fresh food wasn’t always an option. I tried, buying a tomato a day when I wanted to cook something fresh. My roommates were great, but young so house parties were a norm. After a long day at work, I remember walking in to one such house party at midnight to find my roommates hammered, random strangers in our house smoking and drinking, and boys trying to knock on my door to try to chat me up. Eventually it ended when the cops showed up at 3:30 am because of an attempted assault outside our building. After cleaning up the mess and taming the crowd, I slept at 4:30 am. I had to be at work at 9 am for another 12-hour day. This was not fun.

The first months were arduous because I had no family in the City to guide me through anything, and apparently Canada is considered as foreign as Turkmenistan in the U-S-of-A. Anything from opening a bank account, to signing a lease, to applying for jobs (even with a valid work visa) required ten times more effort. You know, there was once a time (back in 2008) when I came here for a six-month trial and couldn’t access any bank account in Canada for money, no Canadian visa was valid to remove funds and I didn’t know how to pay my coming month’s rent. I cried myself to sleep countless nights just trying to figure it all out. And I love my parents, but they didn’t know anything about the States so couldn’t help more than console my tears, which was more than enough for me at the time.

I tried hard to fight my anxiety. I kept hope that it was going to work out. I made it this far. But the journey was not made easier by a particular leech in my life, who made it his life mission, it seemed, to suck the life out of me. After going through hell and back, I finally moved this past July to my own apartment.

After a grueling year I moved into my own studio apartment on Roosevelt Island, in the next building now as my bff…in my own sanctuary…with no roommates…no parties…no obligations…no tension…no leech. I have a bank account that has accessible funds, I signed my first lease, and have a great job.

Last night I took a long, hard look around and said to myself, I did it. I have my own apartment, own bed and dresser, TV and stand, couch and desk, kitchen and bathroom, closet and more! The littlest things that I once took for granted leave me in awe of my own will to survive. For once, I give myself credit for coming this far because there is a whole book worth of terrible happenings that occurred in between that had me on the brink of madness. And now I’m out. I’m in my safe place.

To set the record straight, I am living my dream but it wasn’t easy to get this far. Like an early Oscar speech, I’m going to thank God and my parents (my Gods on earth) for being by my side, and my friends who carried me on their shoulders when I couldn’t walk.

Every time that I feel weighted, I just turn my head and remember that the greatness of this moment is in the conquering of the last. Just read this quote and I have to share it:

When GOD solves your problems, you have faith in HIS abilities; when GOD doesn’t solve your problems HE has faith in YOUR abilities.

It's like Mary Mary say, "It's the God in me." I got this far…

And if God can get you to it, He can get you through it.

Maybe what I’m trying to say is count.

Here’s to greatness from here on in…

A Lesson a Day...

2010-08-18T20:50:00.000-07:00

Somewhere along the way I forgot I was here to learn.

Somewhere along the way I confused my purpose with my need to live.

But this is life and you're supposed to live it, right?

There are two ways of living:

1) In a way that allows life to happen to you, as a victim, a bystander; being a separate entity that is being persecuted. A thing rather than a being. In this way we feel struggle within, we feel 'against', we feel detached.

2) The other, in a way that connects you to the great non-coincidences in life; in being one with everything, every single situation. Whether you can see the order in the chaos or not, there is order and whether you think you chose it for yourself or not, there is a purpose. Mistakes, especially personal are also great non-coincidences for mistakes are better than disasters, are better than oblivion.

One is a physical existence. One is a spiritual existence.

I forgot my own words to "See, rather than seek".

I also forgot one of my greatest lessons, taught by KB that "we are spiritual beings going through a physical journey."

Book on You

2010-07-08T10:19:00.000-07:00

I could write a book on you
of inflicted pains of epic proportions.
A tale of a soul so broken,
with scars, irreparable with time.

I could write a book on you.
It would be as long as a holy read.
Instead of parables of feats overcome,
it would be a journey of great defeat.

I could write a book on you,
but truly - you’re not worth it.
Giving voice to the things you do
is giving power to your crimes.

I could write a book on you,
but it would be a waste of precious moments.
To honor the ghosts of moments past,
I will reimburse myself for those that were stolen.

I could write a book on you
but I actually feel kind of bad.
If you think you’re scot free, think again
those like you suffer till the end.

I could write a book on you
but one day you will wake and see.
You were alone then, you’re alone now,
Alone you will always be.

I could write a book on you
but you’re really not worth it.
When I look in the mirror I see strength.
Eyes, far more mature than they needed to be.

I could write a book on you.
In your shiny reflection what would you see within?
Eyes, as dark as the heart ridden
with guilt from selfishness that you let win.

I could write a book on you
but there is one thing you can never cheat.
Much like death it will follow your shadow,
Karma will be your final retreat.

I could write a book on you
for disrespecting my one true scar.
But you know what…
The true solace is in knowing
she will never know who you are.

Raindrops Keep Fallin' on my Head

2010-06-22T19:40:00.000-07:00

Suddenly it hurts.

Have you ever seen through a raindrop against a window?
How it magnifies...confuses...erodes.

God, it suddenly hurts so much.

I know what it would have been. The pain of it shatters my heart every single moment. It doesn't have time to repair itself before it breaks again.

Have you ever seen sunlight shine through a raindrop against a window?
How it illuminates...blinds...heats.

Suddenly the illusion has dissipated. Reality is resurrected.

Even though there are glimpses of radiance, and slowly it is wrapping me in its warm embrace...for now it still hurts...so, so, so much.

Slowly but surely I am nuzzling into its soft cushion and praying for the healing to engulf me into sleep.

Maybe it all has its place.

For only when the droplets of moisture meet the suns' rays does the rainbow appear.

Playing with fire...

2010-05-18T19:25:00.000-07:00

I had been caught up lately – in a mess that was part my doing (as a result of bad choices) and a bigger part that was not. After feeling like I nearly lost my mind and faith in humanity, I am slowly starting to emerge. So caught up was I that I stopped writing, I couldn’t focus on anything but the problem at hand, I lost my smile, my confidence…me. Now that it is over, a part of me still feels lost. Imagine. I was so caught up that now that it is over, I don’t know what to do without it. But despite the immense pain and hurt I am feeling, I feel very slightly revitalized. I am blessed. I always have been and always will be.

To my true friends who supported me during this very difficult time and picked me back up every single time I fell (and I fell a lot) – I thank you from the bottom of my heart and soul. And for those who endured my pain with me – I am sorry.

Do I think the world is a messed up place? Hell yeah. But this is why we have been given choices. I am content in my small, select world – for in it there was always trust.

Throughout my life, I never believed in regrets because even in the “bad”, there is good. For the first time, I have realized what my father always told me. There are bad choices, for which you will have to endure immense suffering. Will everything be alright in the end? Yes. But you don’t need to walk through the fire to know it burns.

I hope you will take a look at your life and sincerely remember: a fool doesn’t learn from his own mistakes; a wise person learns from others.

Think Before Speaking

2010-03-22T08:29:00.000-07:00

Tip of the tongue, the lips, the teeth,
All form the words which we repeat.
Be forewarned for what we speak,
Once uttered, we cannot retreat.

We have two ears and one mouth so we can listen more and talk less.

The Formula to Life!

2010-01-18T12:34:00.000-08:00

You want to know the formula? The real formula to happiness, success, relationships, life, love and everything in between? Are you ready to hear it? Are you ready to have your life change forever? Think about it for a second…

Alright…

Here goes nothing…

The formula to life is….

Is...

_____________________________.

There is no formula.

Coming to understand this one revelation has certainly put a spin on my existence. Coming to understand this one revelation instilled a paralytic fear in my entire body. Coming to understand this one revelation freed my spirit in a way like nothing else has.

For all the times I had been to New York, there was a solace in knowing that I would be going home, going back to the norm, back to what I knew, back to the constant. When I made the permanent move (at least, for now) to New York, I had to take in and absorb a new way of life, a new norm, and a new constant. But at every turn I was shocked and almost stupefied because there was no normal, there is no constant. Every single person lived such a different life. I came to realize that none were right and none were wrong. They just “were”.

My journey in Toronto was different. Maybe it was to create the base of my personality, my base of likes and dislikes, my base of wants and don’t wants. When I had mastered that, it was time to move to the next leg of the journey. It is like the difference between knowledge and wisdom – wisdom is “doing it”. I stole that from Peaceful Warrior.

We’ve all heard that each individual is completely different from the next. We’re like snowflakes – no two are the same. And yet, each of us find a way to connect, each of us has a place. There is a Zen saying, “The snow falls, each flake in its place.” Yet, somehow we believe that there is a formula to live the same way, a formula to find success and happiness and peace and all those things we innately seek in life. But we each want different things in life, we each live differently; we all have a different path – so why seek the same formula?

I believe we seek it because we’re scared to follow our own path. We’re dependent creatures, we need support. We want someone to tell us it worked for him or hear, and thus give us hope that it will work for us. We are fearful. Another reason is that we don’t have all the answers, so we seek teachers. It’s easier to have someone say ‘this is how you should live’ and follow it blindly, than trek and stumble through wilderness. But a real teacher never tells you what to do. A teacher gives you the tools to decipher a decision for yourself. A teacher is a guide.

What are we scared of? What’s the worst that could happen if we followed our own path?

Failure. We’re scared of people saying, “I told you so”. We’re scared of what our families will think, what our friends will think, what the world will think…even if we don’t believe in the same things.

Almost 26 years later, my family finally recognizes that I am different. I think differently than they do, I live differently than they do, I believe in different things that they do. I am different. But so are they. They are totally different from one another.

This has scared the living S**T out of me, too. I know I’m different. I know I perceive life and what happens differently. And it scares me because I don’t have anyone to follow as an example. I am my own example. But what if I’m wrong? What if my judgment is wrong? If I stumble, they will say, “I told you so”. They will criticize and say, “You should’ve done it this way”…even though they didn’t follow any formula. They did what worked for them. It just happened to work out. So when it worked out, they decided, “This must be the formula! HOORAY! We figured it out!”

The truth is, there is no formula. It is trial and error. No two people live the same life; no two people have had the exact same circumstances. Even twins have differences in personality, thus have different perspectives - therefore make different choices.

Every day that I trek through the subway, I see it loud and clear. There is no formula. I see individuals finding their own solutions to their life. Neither path guarantees less obstacles or challenges or heartache. And it is not about conformity or nonconformity; it is about you knowing what is right for you. No one lives your life but you. Your family, even, doesn’t know every thought that goes through your head; your friends, even, don’t know every thing that is important to you; your life partner, even, doesn’t know every single thing you want out of life. Only you do.

The constant is you. The solution is you.

I wrote this quote in my last blog entry, but it still rings true. Eckhart Tolle said, “You find peace not by rearranging the circumstances of your life, but by realizing who you are at the deepest level."

So now you know who you are and it is time to make choices. Will they all be right because they are yours? No. Will they all result in pain? Some might. Will that make it bad? That’s your perception. I believe life is an experience. As long as you do the right thing, don’t hurt anyone purposely, live following your true conscience and not your mind, you will make the choices you are MEANT to make for your evolvement. You will experience what you are MEANT to experience. And if you learn from it, there is nothing wrong with a little pain. Pain can be a catalyst for great change. Experience is neutral; your perception of it is subjective.

“Would a rose by any other name smell as sweet?” Shakespeare asked. The experience of the smell would be the same, it is neutral, it is the truth; the perception of the name is subjective.

I am not saying, “Do whatever you want” without any regard to others. Listen, take in knowledge, take in others perspective, and then sit and listen to your heart. I am saying listen to the deepest, PUREST part of you when you make any decision in your life. Call it your soul, your subconscious, your instinct, whatever…not your lust, your desires, your wants and your mind…the deepest, part of you always knows the right answer. Being open to it is a skill. Skills can be learned. Learn to be open to it and know that you will always make the right decision at the time. And then follow your path fearlessly.

What is the road to peace and happiness, love and success?

It is yours to discover.

I am discovering mine, as we speak.

2010 Challenge

2009-12-31T08:41:00.000-08:00

Over centuries, the human being has become conditioned to operate and conform to a set of ideals. Whose ideals? Some putz who thought his point of view was the best for everyone. The putz who didn’t have the gutzo to stand alongside other powerful potentials, so he created a formula for everyone to follow. Why? Because then he knew what to expect. Nothing would be a surprise, no one would be a challenge, everything would be controlled. His ego would be validated, his existence would be validated, he would be validated.

If this is true, well then, he is a very powerful person and we must be weak, in comparison. We must be because we have followed him and his ideals passively. We have followed him because we are scared of standing alone outside the box, while everyone else stands within.

Here’s the funny part, though. We’re all scared of the same thing. Millions of us are scared to stand alone. Yet, if we just followed our deepest, strongest instincts, we would all be able to create a new box of our very own.

So, here’s the challenge. Take a pen and paper. Write the answers without thinking. Be honest. Be candid. This is between you, yourself, and the universe. What do you have to lose?

What would you do for a living?
- if no one stood in your way
- if you didn’t have to worry about the money or survival
- if you weren’t forced or persuaded to do something else
- if you could go back to school right now
- if you weren’t scared of failure…or success
- “if Life went your way”

Who would you be with?
- if you didn’t have to worry about your family or friends
- if distance weren’t an issue
- if you didn’t have to worry about the logistics of it all
- if you had no fear in your heart

Where would you live?
- if you could pack your things today and just go without a care in the world
- if you didn’t have to worry about the cost of living
- if you didn’t have to worry about a job
- if everything was given to you on a silver platter

What would you say?
- if you weren’t scared of rejection
- if there were no repercussion
- if there were no expectations

Now take a look back at those answers. Look at them long and hard.

And I challenge you, and myself…to live for one year without fear. Just for a year. What do you have to lose? At the worst, you will not have what you think you want. At the best, a part of your dream will come true.

For one year – do what you want to do for a living. Take each step towards achieving that goal. Be who you truly want to be with. As long as the person is a good soul and person, they love you and you love them, just go for it. Live where you want to live. Say what you want to say. No thinking. No fear. What’s the worst that could happen?

I guess I’m inspired to write this because I’ve been lost in my own thoughts for some time now and read a quote that snapped me out of it. "You find peace not by rearranging the circumstances of your life, but by realizing who you are at the deepest level." -- Eckhart Tolle.

The answers to these questions don’t necessarily tell you who you are at the deepest level (for the essence of who you are is not comprised of anything physical), but it might be a binocular into realizing the divide between the way you are living on a physical level, as opposed to the way you could or want to be living as a free being. I hope, more than anything, that it helps you realize how much fear plays a role in our lives, helps you see how much we hold back, and how much we regret as a result.

If, when you read it, you are blissful just where you’re at, then kudos to you for always following your heart and your dreams, for they are guided by a higher source. And, on the other end, if you just don’t know what you’re supposed to do (I feel like this many times)…surrender, follow your joy, be open and let Life show you the answer, for “Everything will be alright in the end. If it’s not alright, then it’s not the end.”

For some deeper insights, visit: http://www.marcandangel.com/2009/07/13/50-questions-that-will-free-your-mind/

Here’s to the best moment NOW, and a perfect 2010!

Love n' New York

2009-12-23T14:01:00.000-08:00

I know. It’s been forever. It has, and I apologize. New Year’s Resolution: update my blog once a week!

On the upside, it’s been because I’ve been working at a new job since October and have been leaving my laptop at work, so I literally have nothing to write with!

Anyways, I had to write since the holidays are around the corner and a fresh new year is nearing.

This year has been crazy. So many things have happened that it’s almost hard to put into words, but I’ll try.

In the summer of 2005, I applied for internships and got my placement at MTV Networks in New York City. It was my first time moving away from home for a couple of months, and didn’t know what to expect. I had visited NYC once before with my family when I was 14. I vaguely remembered the experience.

I fell in love that summer.

Ever since then, I came home and vowed, “I will, one day, move to New York!” My family and friends smiled and nodded, probably not truly expecting me to do it. I mean, I was a kid from Mississauga, Ontario. How and what would I do in New York? How would I make it happen? I didn’t know the answer – I just knew I was going to move to New York. Period.

The next two years I spent battling an unknown ailment – in and out of Doctors’ offices and hospitals and examination rooms. Pain – everything revolved around the pain. Everything else was put on hold. New York was put on hold.

But as soon as I was given a clean bill of health in mid-2007, I began a new journey. Although being sick gave me a new perspective on life, I had lost much of my essence and confidence in it. The next year was spent trying to put this new perspective, this new ‘me’ into action, but it was hard. I was lost.

So, I spent almost a year trying to find myself again. Who was I? What did I want? What did I truly want? What did I deserve? It was a difficult journey. I think it is an on-going journey, but finally when I had put some of my pieces back together, I decided it was time. It was time to make my dream come true. After battling that illness I thought to myself, “What if tomorrow never comes?” I just wanted to LIVE, I wanted to experience and do what my heart always wanted to do…because I didn’t know if tomorrow was set in stone.

I confided in my mother, who endured my near two and a half years of pain with me. She suffered because I suffered. So, she understood my passion and ambition, and wholeheartedly supported me and my wild plan – I was going to move to New York for six months, scope out the prospects and arrange my work visa from there! But that meant no working for six months! It was really tough, really, really tough because dreams are one thing, survival is another.

Now, it doesn’t seem that crazy to just up and move if I were in any other field. But I was a performing artist, knowing only two people in the industry in New York – no agent, no way to audition, not knowing anyone, really. So, it wasn’t just about moving to NY, as much as it was deciphering if there was a prospect for success here.

That is when I started my blog – during my first bus ride into New York City, where I was planning on crashing on my best friend’s couch for a week. The week turned into a month and a half! That couch has a special place in my heart! :P

After undergoing a ton of trials and tribulations, the good news finally arrived – in May 2009, I received my work visa, and in two weeks I upped my life and moved to New York in June 2009! And somehow that same month, I signed with my agency – after sending a rare cold package to a veteran agent who I never expected to call me in.

Four years after the original acclamation, I had done it – I moved to my dream city.

I’m sure you’ve heard that saying, “Life is a journey, not a destination.” It wasn’t about New York. It’s been the journey to get here that has been humbling and enlightening, and in some ways redeeming.

Only once I got here did my mom tell me how proud she was of me, how proud both my parents were of me, that I made this happen without their help, without any inside connection, without any real lead. But I always tell her that it was because of them, their help, their prayers, and that of my friends that I am here – living my dream. It is because of God who thought this journey would teach me more, help me grow in new ways that I am here. It is because of the endless support of the universe that plucked an unknown like myself and dropped her into the real city of dreams.

The journey has just begun. What I am learning now is unbelievable. The experiences are of another world, at times. The whole thing is beautiful, in simple words.

I am now settled in New York – I live in a good home, am blessed with a good job, have a fabulous agency supporting me, amazing friends who are to die-for, and each day I walk through the City and am in awe that I am actually here. I still remember lying in bed, unable to move, wondering if that was the end. It wasn’t.

As the holidays approach, I also want to thank all of you – for reading this blog, for supporting me, for believing in me, for letting me know that my life is coming of some tiny, tiny use, for enjoying the journey with me.

I promise, this coming year I will be consistent and I’ll fill you in on as many fun stories as I can.

In the meantime, I’ve learned one important thing – follow your joy. Believe in it, believe in yourself, take steps to making it happen, for if you “take one step towards Him, He will take ten towards you”. VRRPKB taught me that.

For me, it was about Love n’ New York. As I express gratitude for this moment, I acknowledge that it is not ALL about New York…and another leg of the journey is underway…

Happy Holidays!

WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

2009-10-06T14:44:00.000-07:00

“Can I ask you something? My friend and I have been thinking for a while and really need to know what you think…”

This is what the seemingly decent young Russian man said to me at 10:45 pm last night, as I was sitting on the steps of Union Square taking in the City as I haven’t done in a while. Keep in mind, as you read this, that he is a total stranger. I have never met him, and there was no reason for him to come up to me. I wasn’t even looking his way.

He continued on, “My friend has been dating this girl for like seven months now. He kinda cheated on her…just a one-night thing, like a fling. It’s not me, by the way! Anyways, the girl left her thong under his mattress…”

At this point I’m thinking, “Is this a joke?” and, “What a disgusting girl to walk out of a dude’s place without any panties. How could she forget to put those on? It’s not chapstick.” Sorry to digress.

“…and his girlfriend found it! To try to cover it up, he said it was his! And the crazy thing was that she (the girlfriend) was into it!”

Now I’m thinking this girl is just stupid.

“But the thing is that now she makes him wear it! He doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t want to keep wearing it, but if he tells her he’s going to lose the girl. And he really likes her.”

This is when I interjected, “What is your question?”

“What should he do?”

First I said, “Well, she might just know he cheated and as payback is making him wear it.” But then I said my real answer.

It didn’t take me long to put my answer together. I conveyed my thoughts on cheaters in a friendly manner:

- once a cheater, always a cheater – when you open up the option of cheating even once in a relationship, it’s hard to close the door…you figure, I’ve already done it once before…what’s one more time. And trust me, you’re not strong enough…you weren’t the first time.

- he can’t have liked her THAT much. You’ve heard it before, he couldn’t have been THAT into her. It’s fine to be tempted and look…but a friend once said, “Looky, looky, no touchy, touchy”.

- if you cheat, you’re doing it for two reasons: you want to break up or you want to be caught. There is no other reason. Those are your only two outcomes and you know it. No one gets away with cheating forever. It always comes out, whether it’s years from now and you’re in an intimate, close moment with your partner and you finally want to confess, or if it’s because you got caught because you pissed someone off in the process of cheating (including the cheating partner aka mistress or dude, or some friends who know all about your side projects)

He contemplated my thoughts and said, “Good point. So, he should tell her. That’s what I was telling him.”

I went on to tell him that every action has a repercussion, a consequence. You do the crime, you gotta pay the time. If you were so tough to do the crime, you’ve got to be tough enough to face the consequences.

And then my inner stream of consciousness started…Is this for real? Why am I even talking to him? Why do these people always find me? Why would he come up to ME of all the people? I was totally to myself. What the hell!

As a side note, I’m really far too nice to people. I don’t know how to be rude and I don’t like it. I get flack for it all the time from family and friends and significant others in the past.

After a couple of minutes of small talk after that, I decided it was time to walk away. I shuddered from the cold wind and politely excused myself of the conversation. He proceeded to follow me down the street, continuing to talk as if I didn’t just say bye, and then blurted out, “Want me to drop you home?”

Are you kidding me? Okay, serial killer, let me jump into the car with you at 11 pm at night, even though I’ve never met you and just had a ten minute conversation with you about your cheating friend having to wear women’s thongs!

SIGH

Only me. Only in New York.

Pretending to Listen...: CHHH!! CHHH!! This one's for the boys....

2009-09-25T22:56:00.000-07:00

Pretending to Listen...: CHHH!! CHHH!! This one's for the boys....

Marching to your own drum (Cont'd)

2009-09-15T09:45:00.000-07:00

Couldn't put it better myself...check out my New York anthem...click HERE

Marching to your own drum...

2009-09-12T20:35:00.000-07:00

People always ask me what it is about NY that I love so very much. I usually say, “It’s the energy…there’s something in the atoms bouncing around and off of every single individual in this city. They are all here with a purpose, all trying to get somewhere, they’re all hustling to achieve their own individual goals.”

Recently, I realized it is more than that. Although, the above, is a big part of it, but the energy stems from another source.

Dr. Wayne Dyer said that self-actualizers (aka highly functioning people) have one innate quality: “they are independent of the good opinion of others”.

Think about that.

How many of us are “independent of the good opinion of others”? How many of us truly don’t care what other people think, say, or want for us or from us?

I know I have yet to become independent of this way of thinking.

But New Yorkers, they don’t give a rat’s behind who you are or what you do…they do, act, and live as they please. Whether it is the beautiful blonde in a cute summer dress with a huge tattoo across her back, or the young gay couple affectionately kissing while walking hand-in-hand on the street, or the interracial pairing that just didn’t seem likely in a million years…they each live as their hearts tell them to.

Of course, an extreme of any nature can be hazardous. We should not be closed-minded and ignore people completely, especially those trying to guide us to improve our lives, but what Dr. Dyer explained was that when you have inspired thought, or such that comes straight from your heart…go with it. Follow it. And don’t worry about what everyone else thinks. If you know you are right, just keep doing. Do with the right intent and with a right purpose.

Arthur Schopenhauer put it perfectly in his Studies of Pessimism. He said, “ Every man takes the limits of his own field of vision for the limits of the world.”

We each come with our own unique stories and unique set of circumstances. In psychology it is termed ‘generalization’, basically assuming that your truth must be the truth of the world. But this is not the case, and that is what makes the world as beautiful and diverse as it is…because each of us has a unique path to follow. There is no set formula.

I think this is what I love best about New York. Here…the sky’s the limit…

One Year to the Day...

2009-08-17T10:30:00.000-07:00

This day, one year ago, my Nani (maternal grandmother) passed away. Things were so different then yet so much has yet to change. I was in New York then too…but in a very different place. I was at my friend’s place, getting ready to meet my other Shiamak friends who had come in from out of town for the New York leg of The Unforgettable Tour. I had recently ventured out to New York, and was less than two weeks into my six-month trial run of the city, when I heard the news. She (Nani) had been suffering immensely from oral cancer at 88 years old. It seemed so unnecessary to have such an old being suffer in their last days but that is as it was.

I didn’t cry when my brother called me to tell me she had died. When Nani died I couldn’t shed a tear. I knew she was in a better place…she wasn’t suffering, for one…but more so because I knew she was a beautiful soul who was with the being she loved the most – God. She was never scared of death, she always knew there was something waiting through the light at the end of the tunnel. How could I cry for her when I knew she was elated to be free?! Free of the body that was torturing her in her final days.

Hindus view the ‘body’ as a vessel, a messenger, the vehicle to conduct our spiritual tasks. The Earth is viewed as the training ground and Home Base is up in the “heavens” with God. She was never God-fearing, she taught me to be God-loving, to love the being which we say is perfect. Perfection does not involve or include fear, so why fear Him which will never wish ill on us?

On the day of, I couldn’t find a temple or mandir to pray at, for her passing. But I found a Church in the middle of Soho and quietly prayed there with a friend. Here I cried. Here, where I knew I’d find her, in the home of God, I cried for a couple of minutes and remembered my sweet grandmother – the one who gave me my nickname when I was born, the one who fed me mercilessly every time I visited, the one who nicknamed me yet called me a different nickname! She was the one I shared a bed with on every visit – the rest could sleep wherever they could find a spot, but I had the coveted spot next to my Nani on her bed. She, whose gentle, gray eyes never leave my mind; Nani who loved us unconditionally and was always on my side when no one else was. She, who convinced my mom to let life find me a good man when the time is right, to have faith that everything would fall in place. My Nani, the one everyone got to see before she passed away, but me…..

That is as Life would have it.

But I feel as close to her as before. Her photo stays with me always, along with a lil’ fortune cookie quote that says, “Smile often and see what happens”. It’s as if it came from her own mouth. Every night I pray I speak with her, knowing that she’s there.

One year later…I’m back in New York, but permanently now. Where I was once lost, I am now found. At a time I didn’t know what the future held, I now have direction…the future only holds good things. I am now in a new world waiting to be explored. Although I can’t believe it’s been a year……..it’s been a year!

Nani always believed in me. She believed in anything I wanted. I have prayed to her a lot since she passed on, and I often find myself wondering, “How much of this is because of her?”

I know the answer…

Read My Lips...

2009-07-13T21:56:00.001-07:00

Some people just don't get it. By people, I mean boys. Some boys just don't get it. UGH!!!

There's been this one dude, who will remain unnamed because he's such a creeper that I don't want to say his name out loud, who began liking me back when I was 16 years old! He went to high school with me and was known for going beyond liking girls into thinking he loved them which went into the lines of stalking. I thought I was just a new fad when I found out that I had become the object of his affection. But soon he was following me around, showing up at my locker and wherever else I was, finding out info about me...asking me out incessantly despite my constant refusals. It got so bad that even I became harsh and mean with him. I could only take so much.

The stalker finally stopped when I started dating my boyfriend and he, along with his friends, threatened to hurt the fool if he kept harassing me. I didn't want it to come to that but had little choice left.

Now I was at peace.

Then came facebook. Somehow he figured out I was there, and for over two years has tried to add me at least 20 times. Every time I refuse. He even messaged to tell me "I've changed. Give me a chance."

"OH HELL NO!" I can forgive but I'm not stupid. I won't message him back because that gives him access to my profile for a month but every time he tries to add me my blood boils. If I weren't in a different country altogether I might be worried because he is legit that strange.

Two days ago, I got a friend invite from....get this....another profile with HIS picture attached! Now he has got to be the stupidest kid I've ever met. Obviously I'm not adding him, but he is just not getting the picture. It's been almost ten years later and he still refuses to let go.

It makes me wonder about guys. Why can't you take NO for an answer? Why do you insist on us crushing any ounce of self-esteem left in your bodies? Why can't you just walk away?

WHY?!?!?!?!

WEBSITE

2009-07-04T20:46:00.000-07:00

Btw,

I launched my website. It's been designed by my good friend and animation extraordinaire - Rohini Metharam of Surkel Media. You should definitely check out her site and reel - www.surkelmedia.com.

My site is www.natashachandel.com

Hope you like it and please do share your thoughts and suggestions by contacting directly (link on the site).

Merci, mes amis.

Eeps!

2009-07-04T20:29:00.000-07:00

What's taken me so long?

Eeps.

I don't have an excuse.

I got lazy, I removed my wisdom teeth that left a gaping hole in my mouth (literally), I was working too much, I was writing my book, I was trying to get myself to NYC....

Now I'm here. In NYC, that is. I moved a month ago, officially, long-term, "permanently". There have been a lot of circles to close, loose ends to tie up, and things to do. Is it any better? Nope. But if I don't start writing now I might not do it for a while.

So, here goes...

Since I've arrived things have been wonderful. Everything has been moving along really well and more than anything I've been really happy. Before I left Toronto, I decided to watch 'The Secret' again for the 3rd time, and I finally walked away with the one thing I ignored the other two times I watched it.

In 'The Secret', it tells you to ask for exactly what you want, believe you have it, and feel what it feels like to have it right now...through visualization etc. But I had skipped the part that said "believe you deserve it". I have worked hard my whole life, in everything I have done, but always feel like I don't deserve anything great. Of course, God is still kind to me and provides me with more than enough, but I often feel like I shouldn't have it.

After making a conscious decision to change my way of thinking - being truly positive and happy, believing in myself, visualizing my dreams...my life has taken a great turn...for the better. More than anything, I have been happy and everything seems surmountable, as it is! Things were amazing, at least I felt amazing!

Then someone came into my life who transferred her totally negative energy onto me. I won't say her name, but the woman said some awful things that I have never heard before and just crushed me in a half hour discussion. I had been warned that she might do this etc., but I thought I was safe....I wasn't. Normally I'm not sensitive, I don't care what most people in the world say about me....but this particular time I was shattered because of what she said and how she said it. Basically, in putting a long story short, the lady told me that my existence causes her tension. This hurt me tremendously, and still does, because I don't know how to change this besides the obvious solution, which is not an option. I just couldn't imagine someone saying that to anyone. I wouldn't say that to my worst enemy, if I had one.

For a week or more I've been down. My parents even came here to help me and they have. But over the time away from her I'm realizing that she is my test......I thought I was positive....but really, how positive am I? Can I still be around her and let go of everything and be myself, do what I have to do, be the BEST me possible? I'm going to find out tomorrow once I go back to where she is.

I'll let you know what happens. Hopefully I will have a happier story to follow-up.

Thanks for your patience with my break...and hope you will keep following the blog. I promise it will be updated often, and will have more fun and entertaining stories soon!

Dear Mr. President

2009-03-21T13:13:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr. President,

I’m not a Senior Correspondent at some major network, nor am I any official Political Advisor. In fact, I’m not even American, but I am a supporter. I am a firm supporter – of yours, that is. Not so much your party or cronies, but you. And as such, I hope you don’t mind the next few words.

There’s a lot going on. I know. There’s a lot being said. I hear it. There are a lot of opinions in the air. I am taking them in, as are you.

Simply said, you are not always going to get it right. You are not always going to be the favourite. You’re not always going to have the answers. You know that. I’m telling you things you already know and it seems futile but I am repeating what you already know because it’s still hard to endure.

You are going to make mistakes, as already witnessed. It will pass. It might not be forgotten but it will pass. Each action has an equal and opposite reaction, as Mr. Newton taught so well. Each action has a repercussion. Each action has a lesson intertwined. In between an action and reaction is a lot of time and space…both which can be used and channeled for evolution.

You are going to be criticized. You openly acknowledge your choice in taking this post and as such will have to receive it with bare arms. Your Simon Cowells are on the prowl as we speak. But with every ten criticisms, there will be one that is positive. And that is the one to hold on to. As you chose your post, they chose you.

Again, they chose you.

When I say ‘you’, I don’t mean the President, I mean the person. You. Your personality, your values, your beliefs, your vision, your warmth and caring. You.

Be you and be unchanged. Evolve. Transform into a ‘you’ that is stronger and better than before.

They love you, they praise you, they egg you on. They are also conditional. They love you, praise you and egg you on only until you do something that makes them hate you, criticize you and belittle you. Remember those who are unconditional in your life. Not your party, not your cronies. Value those who will stay by your side during your lowest time, your hardest choices, your biggest mistakes. Remember them, value them, cherish them and keep them. They will be your sanity.

Sometimes, you are not going to know. Sometimes you, too, will be lost. But like you, as a parent, would always leave a hidden key in teaching your child a valuable lesson, so has He left you a hidden key, a secret, a light that you must find before solving the puzzle.

Mr. President, you are us. You are human. You endure the same as each other soul in his or her life. And as universal a truth it is that each of us has problems, it is as universal a truth that each problem has a solution.

Dear Mr. President…please keep on keeping on.

Sincere regards,

One of yours.

INSERT YAWN

2009-03-02T21:13:00.000-08:00

As I’ve been saying for the past while, I’ve been trying to simplify life. Actually, it’s kind of happening naturally. I’m tired of drama and there is so much in life that we yearn for and desire and want that we don’t need. Most of the time it is not in our control to attain, anyways. Yet it still brings up so much wasted energy and reckless emotions. And so, I decided I was going to let some of it go. I was going to let the bad habits go.

Consequently, I have naturally pulled away from drama-filled people, I’m speaking less about unnecessary things, a lot of things just don’t bother me anymore, few things come as a surprise, and I’m learning to surrender to the Big Guy in the sky.

But, in being honest, I have to admit that simple life is BORING!

I mean, it feels good. It really does. I feel lighter and free. I don’t feel bogged down or stressed. Sure, there is a long way to go, but I’m on the path…I think. :P

But, again…it can be quite a bore.

When I used to drive, I’d have tons of people to call and talk to. Now, other than a small handful of my bestest, I don’t have an urge to call anyone. I was never much into small talk anyways, but in becoming more private, I am respecting other people’s too. Moreover, I am trying to sit with myself. Trust me, it’s not as easy as you think.

We are not a society that embraces solitude. We are a society of facebook and emails and text messaging and cell phones and Bluetooth and video games and technology that refuses to leave us ALONE. It refuses to let us think simply nothing.

Artists thrive on drama.

My friend of mine, a Director, once said to me, “Creative people love drama. If you were walking on a road, and one path in the fork was a beautiful, serene road with birds chirping and the sun shining, and the other was full of explosions and action…which would you choose?”

I thought about it and said, “I don’t know”, but then grudgingly replied with honesty saying, “the explosions. It’d be more interesting.”

The truth is, I don’t want to be that type of an artist. And I’m trying to thrive on life itself. Rather than self-created drama being my inspiration, I am being inspired by the essence of life itself, the stuff that’s in between everything that is happening. It’s hard to explain.

Just drive once, without using the phone at all. Just drive and observe. You’ll see.

Although simple can bring upon a yawn, even a yawn is crucial in life. Things have always been ‘eventful’ for me, and I’m kinda glad to be yawning after a long time.

On that note…

Insert yawn.

It’s bedtime.

WIN FOR THE UNDERDOG...I MEAN, SLUMDOG!

2009-03-01T21:08:00.000-08:00

This is a delayed response, as a couple of my coming posts will be. I’ve been working on my book and things are being added on an endless ‘to do’ list.

Anyways…

Each year I await this night. It’s my favourite night of the year.

I had always been acting since I was a kid, as young as two years old! But I never knew it was called ‘acting’. When I first heard the word ‘acting’, I was in awe. It was like I found my calling…light shone on me and I was shown my path. Dramatic, yes.

Almost as dramatic was the first time I ever saw the Academy Awards, or Oscars as we so fondly refer to it. I was amazed. You could win an award for acting? I could do what I love and receive accolades for it? This was too much for my brain to process. And from that day, at 10 years old, I made it my quest to reach for that award.

Of course, as life would have it, I was humbled and ignited by people around me who thought it could and would never be. Firstly, Indians don’t act. They’re doctors and engineers and lawyers and such. Secondly, Indian girls don’t act. Who would marry you? Thirdly, Indians will never make it in Hollywood. Who could ever look past our colour? Mainstream will never be able to embrace us, our culture and our identity. It wouldn’t happen.

This is what I fought and have been fighting from the age of seven, when I decided I would become an actor.

Having defeated many odds, yes, I still faced the barrier. At first, I rarely went for Indian or South Asian roles…always being presented as Hispanic or Native American. Then slowly, after many years it began changing. Here and there we would get roles, our storylines began being introduced, but because they presented the eccentricities of the South Asian culture and/or people (eg. arranged marriages and accents), it never moved beyond observation and comedy for a mainstream audience. They were just becoming aware of the culture. They still felt detached from it…and from us.

Then came along a movie that showed HUMANS, and human nature, and the human race’s quest for love, success and prosperity. SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE tied each of us in our pursuit for happiness, and reminded us of order in the chaos. There is order in the chaos. There is a bigger picture. There is a reason. It is written.

Through the hearts of the slums, into the souls of the world, the message of hope was transferred, vindicated by the gold that we have associated with the greatest esteem in filmmaking.

People wonder why Slumdog’s win is such a big win…not just for Indians…but all of humanity. Because it reminds us that you can go from what you think is the lowest of the low, to the top of the world.

It reminds us that there is a chance for all of us to succeed in our dreams because there are those who have faced and endured all odds and still risen.

It reminds us that passion can be translated.

It reminds us that being different can still be the same. We can still be accepted.

It reminds us that good can still win.

It reminds us that there is HOPE.

All this…from one movie, one story, one message, one award.

A small-time, lower budget indie film about the love story of two children from the slums of Mumbai, with an entirely unknown cast, beat every odd to win the greatest prize in filmmaking. How did they do it?

A. It was rigged.
B. It was luck.
C. It never happened.
D. It was written.

In case, you can’t guess… D.

WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO...

2009-02-20T20:58:00.000-08:00

Decisions aren't good or bad. They just are. The end result is only perceived as good or bad.

I had to make a really hard decision today. A part of me is sad, and another is just neutral. I have yet to see any end result. And I hope not to judge even that as good or bad. I just want it to be what it is.

There is so much in life I am trying to simplify. I am trying to accept every single thing for what it is. I am trying to be honest.

It's hard because sometimes in being honest, we realize that we don't need much to just live. I find myself talking less, telling less, wanting less, sometimes feeling less...less reactive that is. We also realize that sometimes people will leave once they know the truth. But it is better to live in knowledge than ignorance...for both sides.

You feel stripped.

I feel stripped.

I don't even have tears to express. A part of me feels light but there is a natural reaction of sadness to the change. But I don't want to fear change anymore. I don't want to fear...

For
ALWAYS
I
Trust
Him

I want to live in this...

HOME SWEET HOME

2009-02-15T12:19:00.000-08:00

It’s strange when you see the same things but they look so different. Their effect on you is…different.

It’s strange when things around you are the same, but you are different. Changed. Evolved. Grown. It could be in a positive way or negative way, who knows, really.

I’ve come home after a couple of months, to Toronto. Since my last visit, I have experienced much, including an influential trip to India and the dissolution of a short-lived but important relationship.

For the past while I’ve been wondering what will inspire me to write. Usually I see something that just sparks the fire within me.

When my parents came to New York to meet me, I did see a thick, gray writing on the pavement. It looked like paint. I couldn’t figure out how it got there. It said, “CHANGE”. I wanted to take a photo but thought against it because it seemed like everyone was walking over it and didn’t notice it at all, so I became a little conscious and didn’t. My parents, too, did not take notice. I read it backwards; because that’s the direction I was walking on the pavement.

I didn’t know what to make of it. I need to continue to change, well, that’s a given. But I felt it was telling me something else.

This time the spark to write came from home.

Coming back home has been different. Some friends have told me I’ve changed. They said not in a bad way but changed. Even I’m not sure what it is. A part of me feels a deep grounded-ness about everything I see and hear, so I’m not as reactive or even responsive as I used to be. I just take it in. I refuse to label anything as good or bad, it just is.

When I came home and saw that some things just never change, even after I had, I realized maybe what this stage is about.

There are times in life when we are meant to acquire knowledge and tools. I feel it’s like a video game in which each level gives you a new tool that will help you in the final battle. Although I don’t like referring to anything in life as a battle, it’s the simplest analogy to use.

Home is where my heart is. Home is where the most pain is. Home has not changed.

Then there are times in life when we are supposed to use those tools and finally, once and for all, pass that ridiculously hard level.

C-H-A-N-G-E = Constant Humble Action and Growth in Everything.

I’m going to try to put some of my new positive knowledge in action at home. And I hope that someday I’ll be ready for the next level.

JUST SMILE, FOR GOD'S SAKE!!

2009-01-28T21:32:00.000-08:00

I have beef. Yes, beef. No inspirational takes on perceived messages from above, just a blunt fucking opinion about dudes and their ability to smile…or lack of!

Think about it.

When do you see guys smile in photos? And it’s not just brown or black guys, it’s boys the world over. It’s like they all emailed each other, across the world and told each other some under the table rule that the one who smiles is somehow less than a man.

Ya’ll pose like brave stars in ALL photos. You’ll be hangin’ with your boys, posing with some random chicks at a club, takin’ lone photos for your facebook profile, clutching your girl like a bodyguard, celebrating your birthday with a cake and geeky hat with your parents, sitting on your grandma’s lap…..ALL WITH THE SAME LOOK.

And you know what that look is!

It’s the slightly squinted, chin inching upwards, tight jaw (like you’re holding in your anger), look that’s trying to say, “Don’t fuck with me!” Some of you add in the horribly unforgivable hand on your chin when most of your baby faces can’t even grow hair there!

The CAMERA is NOT trying to fuck with you! Probably NOBODY is trying to fuck with you, or fuck you…especially if you keep that going for too long.

It’s LAME!

When are you guys gonna understand that?!?!

I’ve seen it my whole life. Now everyone’s seeing you on facebook and every other digital portal out there.

Some use the excuse that they don’t know how to smile in pictures……..just the same fucking way you smile when you see some man’s neck get twisted on UFC, or the same fucking way you smile when you found some illegal porn On Demand! Stupid excuses.

You know what you’re inability to smile tells a girl and the world?

No, not that you’re tough or sexy.

That you are so weak you need to PROVE to the world that you’re tough or sexy. You’re unconsciously playing into reverse psychology…you’re unconsciously emasculating yourselves by this behaviour. The toughest and sexiest motherfuckers in the world do not need to tell you they are such.

Case in point: Brad Pitt (SEXY), David Beckham (TOUGH and SEXY), and even though he plays that look for his modeling gigs, he still smiles enough in life and on camera! Wait, there’s more: NFL’s Warren Sapp could pulverize most of you…but his smile nearly won him the trophy and a lot of money on Dancing With The Stars.

The only legitimate excuse for this is if you got bruck up teeth!

Because, really, let’s be honest, if you got bruck up teeth nobody wants to see you smile! I’m sorry, please refer to older blogs where I clearly state that my only real vanity is bad teeth. I’m sorry!

Now listen, guys….please….LISTEN!!

Smiling doesn’t mean we’re asking for some flamboyant showcase of your teeth and every crinkle in your face…we’re asking for a simple, fun expression of what you’re feeling when you’re happy. And most of you have good smiles.

With the exception of one starlet, who shall remain anonymous, because this might one day come to bite me in the ass, I have rarely found a smile that is not aesthetically pleasing. Means, that doesn’t look good!

Girls don’t like it when you try to act all bad ass. We want a strong dude who’s gonna protect us and all, but if we with you, we already know that you can do all that…you don’t need to flaunt it. We want a man who’s comfortable and confident in every way…and the geekier the smile, the more we love you.

Okay, that last line was a lie. But, the geekier the smile…the more we want to hug you!

Now, I apologize for my use of profanity…but this is a touchy subject. You guys look like asses when you don’t smile. You make awkward faces that make you look more like a loser, and we are turned off by that….

So STOP IT!

And SMILE, FOR GOD’S SAKE!!

P.S. To further my case, here are some dudes who have made a pretty buck from their smile: Bill Cosby, Lil' John, President Barack Obama, Zac Efron, Will Smith, Ryan Seacrest, and the list goes on! See, you can use it to your advantage!!

BENEATH

2009-01-26T18:35:00.001-08:00

Three nights ago, as I lay, trying to sleep, these words came to me. I didn't know what they meant, nor am I clearer now, but I jumped and typed it on my cell phone, in the dark. I felt if they had come, there was a reason.

Maybe you can shed some light...

Under the wing,
Under the storm,
Under the tide,
There's a moving form.

Into its eyes,
Into the dream,
Into the place
Which we've never seen.

And there it lies,
In there it sleeps,
In the minds
Of those who believe.

Whisking away
The troubled past,
Holding a light
To a new path.
Eagerly waiting
What we don't see,
Bearing it all,
To you and me.

BIRDS OF A FEATHER, INAUGURATE TOGETHER

2009-01-20T22:02:00.001-08:00

It was like a scene in a movie. Millions of glued eyes, curious minds and hopeful hearts frozen, staring at any screen they could see – at famous sites, local bars, school gymnasiums, office computers, and inside the comfort of homes. It was like a scene from Independence Day or Armageddon where the whole world came together at, what they thought, might be their final attempt at existence; if they didn’t stop the aliens, the entire human race and Earth as we know it would be wiped out. Destroyed. Oblivion.

Today the whole world came together at, what they thought, might be their final attempt at existence.

If we don’t get our acts together now, economic strife, war, terrorism, global warming, corruption and general indecency could wipe out the world as we know it.

The final moments before the meteor hits earth, a collective chill is felt down the spine of all. There is so much more I could have done; there is so much more I could have said; there is so much more I would do different…if only I had the chance to change it.

CHANGE.

My friend, Mitul, once broke down the word beautifully:
Constant
Humble
Action aNd
Growth in
Everything.

As the seconds wind down, 10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…the meteor is blown into smithereens and the aliens are stopped dead in their tracks, inches away from annihilating the earth’s population!

As the final moments neared, the planet’s heart began beating faster. At every corner of the world, people were watching. Could this be possible? Could we actually have another chance to change it?

Tick.

Tock.

Tick.

Tock.

12:05 pm.

The words, “So help me God”, and it is done.

Just in the nick of time. Except this time, the greatest loss would not have been material, and not as dramatic as losing our lives (with the exception of the world’s brave soldiers), but was as pivotal as the blood that runs through our veins. It was hope.

12:06 pm.

It is restored.

So help him God.

Much like that movie, we have placed the hopes of millions around the world on the shoulder of one, sober, righteous, ambitious, charismatic, and damn personable believer. He goes by, now, President Barack Obama. He is the only leader I know who can connect as much to the privileges and misconceptions of a white man as he can the struggles and misconceptions of a black, and empathize with any other color; who can work alongside and progress with the rich, and feel the burning pain of the poor (earning little money in community circles early in his career); who can call for idealism and ambitiousness because he lived it; who can inspire the youth because he, too, is full of child-like optimism; who understands the responsibilities of families because he comes from a tight-knit one; who knows what it’s like to be alone because he has lost as much as he has won.

Only he can change the face of our future. Only his coming can be our saving.

The truth is, his coming is just our beginning. It is our renewal. It is a collective second chance at making it right, making ourselves right, making our approach right.

In his words: “The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.”

Today’s event wasn’t just historic because we have finally learned to appreciate the other side of the color palette, but because like a rain drop, a man fell out of the clouds, into our ocean, and sent a ripple strong enough to shake all the sharks, and rally all the fish.

With three simple words, each profoundly positive on its own…

Yes.

We.

Can.

None insinuating ego. Each unifying. Each etched with the hammer of belief.

He rallied the souls. He spoke with conviction, and the message jumped from the depths of his soul into ours.

And now we breathe again. Not as separate countries, but one giant city, who hope and believe that a better tomorrow can be achieved today!

But…

It is not his job alone.

It is not his responsibility alone.

It is not his fault if we go wrong.

If we rise together, we fall…..together.

Inspiration, belief and hope are some of the greatest gifts given by God, provided they are channeled and put to use.

Right now you feel good. Right now I feel good.

How good will you feel tomorrow? Day after? Week after? Year after?

We don’t give answers to our children, we give them tools to find the right solution because only then will it be a lesson that remains with them forever.

We don’t have the answers, but we are being given the tools.

And our greatest resource…?

No, not him.

Us.

We are change. You are change. If we constantly and humbly take action and grow in every aspect of our lives…change will be you.

If you feel the spirit from within, use it. Do something about it. Do something small with it and let it snowball. Before Mahatma Gandhi became the “father of India”, he was a small-time attorney in South Africa, who was inspired after being thrown off a first-class train for being colored. He used this as motivation to assimilate and equalize a small group of Indians in South Africa. The rest is history. He believed, he hoped, he dreamed.

Now you believe. You hope. You dream.

And if someone tells you it cannot be done, it is only because they gave up trying to fulfill their dreams. Don’t make their story yours. Don’t make the failure of past generations yours. Each day is new, each moment is new, each generation is new.

Believe, hope, think, and DO….GOOD.

So help us God.

INDIA 2: CHILDHOOD HANGOUT

2009-01-19T18:14:00.001-08:00

These are some photos of my favourite spot, Juhu Beach, in Mumbai, when I was a child. I loved the camel rides and the roasted peanuts. Mmm…fresh, roasted peanuts.

The beach no longer offers camel rides and the peanuts were a bit raw, but as new waves hit the shores I see a new spirit and a new generation of kids who will fall in love with another grain of its sand.

It is not at all the prettiest beach, but Juhu Beach is one of a kind, in my childish heart.

INDIA 1: FALLING PETALS

2009-01-11T19:45:00.000-08:00

I’m home…in India. Although I am Canadian, as a person of Indian descent, I consider India my original home. It’s been four years since I’ve been back and things have changed, people have changed, attitudes have changed. Some are for the better, some not so much. There is so much that I am aware of this time that I was not able to understand or absorb before.

I am staying with my paternal grandparents in our home in Mumbai. Over the four years, all three of us have changed much. They are so much older, so much more child-like. I am so much older, so much more like an adult. I love them so much that I feel dutiful towards them; I want my short time with them to be memorable and I want to do for them as much as I can. There is so much to do, yet so much they won’t allow me do!

As many age, they hold on as tightly as possible to their independence. They feel like they can only rely on themselves and their partner, because over their senior years they bear witness to their closest loved ones, to whom they have dedicated their whole lives, leave them in the dust while chasing the pavement ahead.

One of my acting coaches once told me, “Anger is not an emotion. Anger is loud pain.” It angered me to see my grandparents alone. My father does as much as he can considering he lives half way around the world; he can’t live in India and they can’t live in Canada. But, when I see those around my grandparents every day who make them feel like a burden, it upsets me. It is ungrateful, and I pity them. God forbid they have to endure that in their old age.

But I will leave them behind, and remember the good times.

There is nothing like grandma’s homemade chai, her dahl and roti, her laugh and political discussions. There is nothing like my grandfather’s conversation opener, “Wish you good luck”, or the crinkle in his eyes when the seemingly stern man laughs or makes a joke.

I was grateful to be with them, but missed my Nani (maternal grandmother) more than ever. I was the only one who didn’t get to meet her before her passing in August, and because of this I pressed to come to India to meet my Dada and Dadi.

I have always been connected to a select group of people – kids, seniors and the disabled. They are three groups of individuals whose inner spirit shines despite their dependence, whose humbled eyes humble mine, and remind me that life is not about the ‘me’ or ‘I’.

In simpler words, “Unme Rab dikhta hai…”

BECOME YOUR DREAM

2008-12-11T21:17:00.000-08:00

I’ve known what my next blog topic would be about. I’ve known. I couldn’t yet express it because I had yet to wholly absorb the meaning of my next message. I can’t say I have grasped it completely, still, but here it is from my perspective.

It was a chilly day, not as cold as this past weekend, but enough. I still decided to take my daily walk because I didn’t go to the gym and my guilty conscience was eating me up inside.

As my feet scraped against the dry pavement, I became aware of the litter strewn across the land. I’ve always been an advocate of a greener planet, and my friends, and ex-boyfriends for that matter, would vouch for my adamant stance against littering. I go so far as to pick up garbage that I see someone else has just thrown. Don’t misunderstand, I don’t go around picking up all the garbage on the street, but if I’m walking and someone just missed the garbage can…yes, I will pick it up and dispose of it in the right place.

Why?

Because I believe one person can make a difference.

And as I walked this night and saw the garbage, I asked myself, “Why can’t one person make a difference?”

I’ve had this argument with countless individuals in all areas of interest. An example is politics. There are two major political parties in Canada. I know tons of people who would vote for the third party, including my own family, but refuse to because they feel it’s a waste of a vote. I rebut by asking, “If everyone who actually wanted to vote for them, did, then they might win!!” But taking that chance is considered maniacal.

We, each, create the collective…so if we each did our part…wouldn’t things change?

I pondered this thought as I continued my trek.

Normally, I make sure to look around as I am walking because I love observing daily activities. I love the way people talk to each other, what they do, how they look, how a dirty alley way looks like art to me…I love it. But this night, I was silent, and looked upon the world blankly.

I can’t remember what street I was on, but it was near my house. There were a couple of shops to my right that were still open. As normally as I was taking my steps, I normally looked down for a brief second and came upon my latest inspiration etched in chalk or white paint on the patch of sidewalk in front of me.

It said: BECOME YOUR DREAM.
And I wasn’t even looking for anything! It reminded me of an older message I had written in a previous blog, “DON’T SEEK…SEE”. I saw it, alright.

The words were very powerful to me, and it brought upon an influx of emotions and thoughts and attempts to make sense of it. I knew what it meant, but couldn’t explain it to myself.

Now, I looked around the rest of the way home. Trying to figure out what I was supposed to do with that message. Then, a block from my home, on the bus stand, another statement stuck out to me: PART OF YOUR CITY.

I couldn’t understand it.

The very next day was one of the worst in my country’s recent history. November 26th, 2008, Mumbai is under siege by terrorists.

Sad. Still. Overwhelmed.

There was a part of me that knew what God was getting at, but I wanted to take my time to understand it.

As the events in Mumbai unfurled, the words: BECOME YOUR DREAM started to burn themselves into me. As the next days, and weeks passed, I received a surging amount of emails about people’s opinions about the attacks, their disgruntled views on the government, corruption, conspiracies, and on the other hand, messages about peace rallies and groups to honour the victims, and groups pushing for change.

It took terrorists to instill us of values. It took this for people to realize that greed, corruption and malice have no place in the world. Yet we are all willing participants in all these acts…in some ways, indirectly as guilty because, in India, for example, government and police corruption is a norm. Let’s not get it twisted, though, it is the same in America, Canada, worldwide. Would we be in this economic state if we didn’t give our futures to those whom we supported through votes, by not holding them accountable when it counted?

Then I remembered the icons of the last century – John F. Kennedy, Martin Luther King, Mahatma Gandhi, who said, in respective order:

“Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country.”

“I have a dream…”

“Be the change you want to see in the world.”

BECOME YOUR DREAM
PART OF YOUR CITY
ONE PERSON CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE
I believe there is a reason for everything. That message did not say, “Make your dream come true”, or use the word “Do” anywhere. It was carefully crafted and presented.

Many modern spiritualists ask us to “be”. The message said, “become”.

To ‘be’ or ‘become’ involves a personal evolution. To come in to. In my head, I can imagine molding clay.

Webster’s dictionary says:
1 a: to come into existence b: to come to be
2: to undergo change or development

It does not say preach your dream, or tell your dream, or fight for your dream, or challenge others’ dreams. It is simple….be-come your dream.

And personally, I don’t think it’s referring to “dream” as a physical, tangible or material thing, but rather a state of idealism, the epitome of ourselves.

There is so much going on in the world today. John Mayer said in a song that he’s “Waiting for the world to change.” Don’t wait. We think that our generation can make a difference but if we allow ourselves to become consumed with any quality that we hate in others………trust me, we, too, will become like the trillions who have existed before us. There will be no change, and we will have made no difference.

We can’t control the world. We can’t control our own families. We can only control ourselves. We can be…

We, each, create the collective…

I know, I’m idealistic. I might be naïve or crazy or too optimistic……but I’ll be honest…….I’d rather live this way, hoping and striving to become my dream, because although the end result isn’t in my hands, at least my journey will be an enlightening one.

If JFK, MLK, or MG didn’t inspire you….maybe Barack Obama can….he, alone, changed the face of the world as we know it by living and being his mantra: YES, WE CAN.

What do we have to lose by trying?

R.E.S.P.E.C.T

2008-11-23T18:39:00.000-08:00

There are a few things that really get under my skin....bad teeth (What? Even I'm allowed to be a lil' vain at times)...but more than anything....ignorance.

Even then, I give people the benefit of the doubt. I justify their actions by asking myself, “How can you hold it against somebody who doesn’t know any better?” But there is a fine line to everything, and this is ONE topic I am extremely, extremely, extremely passionate about.

There are a particular group of individuals, whom we all walk by, walk over, walk through each day; many a times they call for us to do a double take just to make sure we saw what we thought we saw; they talk to themselves, to invincible others, to things, about things; money…sometimes they ask for money; most of the time they are trapped in a world that is our worse than our worst nightmare times 100. They are the souls who I believe are closer to God than any of us can dream of being…..but are caught in a dimension between us and Him.

I am talking about the individuals suffering from mental disease.

And what is our response to them?

Be honest with yourself…for once.

We scoff, we sneer, we laugh, we laugh at, we point, we stare, we discriminate, we run, we fear, we hide, we blame, we shake our heads, we are embarrassed……….we are worse, in full consciousness than they will ever be without any.

Have you ever looked one in the eye??

Have you seen the light trapped within??

Yesterday, on the train, a couple of young girls were gossiping away. Local New Yorkers, I could tell from their accents. I think it was at the West 4th stop, that an older lady, with clear Schizophrenia or Dementia walked on to the train, swearing out loud, shouting a bit. The girls dramatically walked to the other door of the train, and started mocking the lady, and laughing. I was so upset that I almost corrected them there.

Another older lady, holding the pole with me, shook her head. Then I calmed, seeing that at least someone else sees the ignorance of some people. She continued shaking her head…and then I just asked, “Are you talking about the girls or the lady?” (referring to the lady with the mental health issue).

She answered saying, “Her”, and directed her head back towards where the lady had traveled.

I was so disappointed!

I have grown up with people suffering from mental disabilities. I have worked in seniors homes since I was twelve, till now at 24 years old. My own Aunt, has been schizophrenic since she was in her twenties…..she is over 60 years old now. I am very close to her, despite never having shared a “real” conversation with her…although I beg to differ.

And sitting, eating, talking, and being with individuals suffering everything from schizophrenia, depression, dementia, alzheimers and worse, has shown me that they are HARMLESS. Many see hallucinations that they do not want to see. Imagine the character from your worst dream following you around each day, everywhere you go, telling you the worst things….this is what they go through.

We scoff at them?????

They, who are our fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers…..our fellow human beings, who DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY ARE GOING THROUGH!

Yes, some have outbursts….my Aunt did as well. She has had major, major fits on the terrace of my late Grandmother’s house. She only wears a nightgown, she talks to herself, to the magazines, in different languages, she shouts and screams at times……but she is the most loving person I have ever come across. When my brother, my cousin, and I were young….she would YELL at any adult who ever said anything sternly to us. She protected us, and then went back to her “madness”. And no one in the family…including my mother, her brothers and sisters….ever dare say anything back to her….because regardless of her state, she is the oldest of the house, and RESPECT is given at all times, at all cost!!!

It can be scary when they come around and act “strange”, but remember something……

No one WANTS to act that way. They certainly do NOT want to act that way.

The next time you see such a person……I BEG OF YOU to treat them as your family member….at least with decency and respect. Control your idiotic comments and humble yourself for two minutes.

Now I’ll leave you with two questions:
1) “How can you hold it against somebody who doesn’t know any better??”

and since you are so intelligent and sane and conscious….

2) What’s your excuse??

IT'S ALL RUBBER

2008-11-20T19:33:00.000-08:00

I decided to go into Whole Foods today. It is apparently America's first certified organic grocery store...and I'm going out on a limb to call their BULLSHIT!

Here's one "movement" I don't wholly believe in, nor understand. For all of you spending tons of extra money on food deemed organic - fresh, untarnished by pesticides and such......I have two pieces of advice for you...

1) shop at an Indian grocery store

2) since you seem to have so much extra money....share the wealth....specifically with me!

Really now, maybe I've taken it for granted, but Indian people, like myself, get our fruits and veggies from the local Indian grocery store 'cause it's fresh, clean, real....and CHEAP. The rest of the world, who is trying to be healthy, is getting jipped in the process. And I think it's time you realize that none of us are really eating organic food....

It's like the electoral process....neither party is ever good....but we choose the lesser of two evils. Organic food is such.

I do think, though, that all individuals should eat a healthy, balanced diet, filled with more fruits and veggies and grains, but don't go berserk on this movement.

I went to this store and was overwhelmed. I felt so out of place....I couldn't find ONE brand that I knew. I was actually yearning for Nestle ANYTHING! And because of this, I ended up walking up and down each aisle, trying not to make a confused face, and left without a thing.....oh, except a small, individual pre-made cake for my friend's birthday.

Sometimes I even find organic food to have more calories and more fat than regular food. Now, I'm sure I'm going to have people throwing stones at me for this.....and please don't get me wrong....I'm a vegetarian myself....I eat fresh and healthy food.....but everything in moderation.

I had seen a bag of chips that said Organic Sweet Potato Chips...mmm...sweet potato...my fave. But, whoa $5 for a bag of chips?!? Oh, hell no! So, I went to the Key Foods next to my house, and voila...$3 for the same bag of chips. That's all I'm pointing out....that the craze seems a little naive, and not well thought out. I would give them credit if they made the prices of raw foods what it deserves to be. Why are we paying more for food that required LESS work to produce?? They didn't have to spend on the extra chemicals, nor feed their animals the extra antibiotics etc.

But, I'll give them one thing.......

The checkout line behind me had at least 20 people....all of whom were THIN...quite a sight in the US of A. It could be the good food their eating, or that the organic movement can be so addictive that they refuse to eat anything else.

Just food for thought.

MY OWN WORST ENEMY

2008-11-14T21:23:00.000-08:00

Get ready....this one's a doozy!

I have had so much to say over the past few weeks that I have dreaded writing it all.

There is a reason why I didn't get a chance to write...
1) I write when I am inspired and have wholly understood what I think is trying to be transcended to me
2) I went home (to Toronto)

There has been so much going on that it has taken me a while to grasp everything. Sometimes I wonder why my life is so eventful at all? But, then I revert and am glad because it is only from these occurrences that I seem to learn something about the grander scheme.

So, I'll begin.

I went home on October 24th, for what was supposed to be a one-week trip. It couldn't have come at a better time because my heart didn't feel like it could take anymore. Before that, you might remember, that I was feeling extremely low, and had promised to push through it. I knew it wouldn't happen overnight but eventually it would. Then, I was forced to make an extremely, extremely hard decision about my personal life. And in finally realizing and deciding that I am a good person and deserve better for myself, I sensed an overwhelming wave of quiet. The change had occurred, it was hard, and it brought with it a resolve that I never knew I had. I became scared of my own inner strength and mistook it for what I thought was numbness.

I spent the days before I left taking walks and tried to understand the silence within. In one such walk, I found the sign, and my inspiration, for what I knew would be my next blog topic. I saw a bus drive by, with an ad stretched along its side, for the new Christian Slater TV show "My Own Worst Enemy", and although I was unable to grasp the entire lesson being thrown in my face, I knew within my soul that this was my next hurdle to overcome.

God was trying to tell me that I am my own worst enemy. It made sense. All my problems were linked to my own thought.

When I first left for New York, I needed the change. I was feeling lost; like the world was moving and I was a helpless bystander, watching, not able to take an active part. Don't get me wrong, I was working and doing a lot of things, but there wasn't a connection. I felt like an unmanned kite, floating away in nothingness. There have been so many personal trials and tribulations that I was unable to let it go of because I felt the environment was not allowing me to. So I needed New York, my only other home away from home to help me to help myself.

But when I came, I quickly found that my anxiety hadn't left. And even more quickly realized that it had been me all along. Why is it that when I left everything, I still felt lost? I still felt the same emotions inside? The biggest change that needed to take place was within myself.

There have always been "problems", and I have always overcome them with the help of God...but the memories of the past were lingering and had engrained themselves in me so much that I couldn't let it go. I had forgiven everyone else for everything, so much so that I couldn’t even remember all that had taken place……….but I blamed myself for everything I was going through. I felt I deserved it, that it has always been my fault, because I could have made better decisions, I could have done things differently…I could have….

I was unable to forgive myself. And this was eating me up inside.

The week I arrived I met Dr. Venturi, my family doctor…who is much more of a life coach than a doctor, to me...saving me in ways medicine never could. As soon as he called my name, he looked up from the file, saw me sitting in his waiting room chair, and before I even stood up, said to me, “You’re stressed.”

I tried to laugh and followed him to his office. It was there that I had a talk that truly affected me.

I told him in a few words that I had been feeling down, had gone through a state of depression a week or so before, and although have been trying to get out of it, it seems to be haunting me.

He said to me, “Your colour has changed. You’re a creative person. You are so in tune with your emotions and what is going on around you that it really affects you. You are intelligent, and even though that can be a good thing, it can also be bad. You are torturing yourself, and if you don’t control it, it will kill you.”

Kill me? I thought.

Suddenly I thought of so many great artists over the centuries, and although I don’t consider myself in even the league of their shoes, literally...I used them as the archetype to understand the gravity of the situation. Some of the greatest artists, although they produced wonderful pieces of art and contributed much to the world, were living torturous personal lives. They were riddled by their own vices….and it hit me that I do not want to be like them!

I have always tried to be a good person and do the right things, and some things have come at what the world considers a “cost”, although I have never regretted anything. But what real good am I doing if I can’t be good to myself? If I can’t forgive and forget myself then what is the point? Eventually I will suffer a worse death than anything imaginable because I will be slowly mauling away at my soul, for no good reason…for images that I am refusing to let go of. And they are just that….images.

So, after thanking God for Dr. Venturi, I decided to make the switch. Because, really…I have nothing to complain about nor anything to dwell upon.

He also provided me with a practical solution, that is simple, effective, and something even my spiritual guides have always suggested. He said, “When you are upset – visualize. Imagine yourself laughing, in a happy place. Imagine you’re laughing somewhere with me!”

☺

Well, Dr. Venturi…you’ll be happy to know it’s worked. Your face does put a smile on mine!

These Things We Believe

2008-10-22T19:42:00.000-07:00

Let your soul replace the words,
Let your heart replace the wounds.
Something's eating inside of me,
Something's trying to come through.

I release a puff of *hmph* from my nose. What I'm trying to say is this:

You're never going to know,
All you have is this.
The decisions you have made
Could change his-story
Her-story
Your-story
For good,
For bad
For this of no words.

Just trust,
And breathe,
And remember
You're here
With Him
With Me
In this
For now.

Have I lost?
Have I gained?
It's worthless
Because
Much like your weight
It's all perspective.

It is done,
It has passed.
It is gone,
It is our past.

Choices and weight
Placed here and there.
Emphasis on
The things which we care
About now...
Only now,
But images live far beyond,
And the only way
To overcome
is.

Clearing my head

2008-10-15T17:14:00.000-07:00

I have, so far, written about many incidences observationally. But today I am going to share my real experience. It is hard for me to do this because, as we all know, it is easy to speak about happy times, when we are in control, on the top. But I'd be lying to you and myself if I depicted a life of all "ups" and no "downs".

My dad once told me, "You have to know your strengths, but you must know your weaknesses, because God tests you on the weaknesses of your personality."

Much like a magnetic pole, we have opposing forces within us. The hard thing to accept is that as much good as there is in us, there is just as much bad, and that is why balance is key.

My greatest weakness: As happy as I am and can be, I am and can be as sad.

For the past three days or so I have been crying. Honestly, for no reason at all. I couldn't pin point it. I'd just cry and cry - while watching TV suddenly, in the shower, especially at night before going to bed. One afternoon I was missing my Nani (maternal grandmother) so much that I broke down. She recently passed away in August, and I guess it was overdue. I had resolved that she was in a better place, free from the cancer from which she was suffering. I loved her beyond words, and that day, missed her comforting words.

Additionally, as much as I talk and am very personable, I am a recluse who doesn't know how to share her own feelings. Yet another polar opposite. I don't speak when I'm upset...to anyone.

Over these days I prayed a lot. I spoke to God a lot. I asked repeatedly for forgiveness....because I should know better. I beat myself up about it - if I had real faith.....if I weren't so ungrateful.....if I had more control......then........then I would never cry again. I always thought I did, but then why was I crying???

I recently finished the book I had been reading intently, "A New Earth: Finding Your Life's Purpose", by Eckhart Tolle. A fabulous book that I recommend to one and all!!

When I finally finished it, I released a deep sigh of relief, of some darkness. The book reminds us that the past and future are only figments of our imagination, created and maintained by us and our mind, and eventually our ego. In dwelling on the past and dreaming of the future, we let time pass us by...time that will never come back, because we are missing the only moment that really ever exists - NOW. Other than collective memories, can any of us actually PROVE that any moment in the past EVER TRULY existed??? Think about it. Pictures can be retouched, objects can be found anywhere, letters can be written, videos can be doctored, so other than the images created in our minds of that incident.....which are intangible....can we prove this??

So when I completed the book, I decided that I would live in the moment. That I'd try to forget and stop creating stories in my head.

Precisely one day later I was drowned in this wave of depression. I've had moments and even periods of my youth just like this. I have known it is a daily battle to fight within myself. And these days proved to be a battle. I didn't want to wake up, I couldn't do my work properly, I didn't pick up phone calls, I just was....

I tried hard to talk myself out of it, reminding myself that I was just feeling sorry for myself or feeling scared from within for NO GOOD REASON. But there is no reasoning with the monster sometimes.

So finally, I BEGGED. I cried profusely, to God, and I begged him for help. "Help me see what You want me to see. Help me get out of this."

The following day, as I was crying in the shower, again, it struck me.

When we ask God, "God, give me strength." He will put you through every situation to help you become STRONG. He can't GIVE us the power with a wave of a wand. He asks us to earn it.

I asked for NOW, and I was tested with flooded memories of everything of my past....things that I thought I had let go, thrown in my face, taking me over. I was flooded with fears of the future.

The moment I realized that this was my ego having its last battle within me to resurface, the moment I became aware of it..........it was gone. Suddenly, in the middle of crying, I let out another exhalation. And as fast as it came, it was gone.

After that I decided to take a SLOW walk, one of my favourite activities in this energetic city. I wanted my mind to be free, to BE.

Two blocks from my apartment, I unknowingly walked through a conversation between two homeless people sitting on the sidewalk, and a standing friend who was explaining her dire situation, "I just lost my job."

My now aware ears naturally opened up.

"I don't even know how I'm going to pay the rent, and he's gonna put it up again, I'm gonna be -"

One of the homeless men cut her off, "God always helps us."

I almost paused in the middle of the street. I took a quick glance back at the scene and saw the face of the tattered man, with dark, grungy clothes...glistening eyes...absorbed the words and realized I had nothing to complain about.

Eckhart Tolle calls them "frequency-holders", individuals who, "are here to generate consciousness through the activities of daily life, through their interactions with others as well as through "just being". In this way, they endow the seemingly insignificant with profound meaning."

Mr. Tolle puts it beautifully when he says, "You are still an ordinary human. What is extraordinary is what comes through you into this world."

Thank God for that sidewalk, and thank God for that man.

I'm sorry guys...but you make it sooo easy!!!

2008-10-12T17:59:00.000-07:00

HAHAHAHAHA.....YOU WISH!!!!

Construction Worker's Dream

2008-10-10T10:34:00.000-07:00

So, we all know that construction workers are NOTORIOUS for heckling women as they pass by.

Well, the treadmills in my gym face the main road, Delancey Street, and for a while now there have been construction rails etc. blocking the view. Yesterday, for the first time, I saw a bunch of construction men working as four of us women were walking and/or running on our treadmills.

You could see the younger ones were trying not to look, but there were times they couldn't control themselves. How much strength it must have taken them to keep their wannabe x-ray glasses away from the window of bouncing bosoms, just one look away from "heaven".

I tried to catch them as they were looking, but it was looking quite obvious. You get the idea...

Post Office: Humour...Pt. 2

2008-10-08T21:26:00.000-07:00

When I finally reached the counter, I handed the man the letters through the bullet proof glass between us, and told him, "I'd like to send these regular mail."

He replied, "There's no such thing! Everyone says that, but there's no such thing."

Okay, I thought. So, I politely asked, "Oh, sorry then. Well, what's it called?"

He said, "Cheap mail."

I laughed, pretending like I got it.
*
*
*
*
*
*
Must be post office humour.......

Post Office Pt. 1

2008-10-08T21:25:00.000-07:00

I went to the post office today. Yes, they still exist. I had three important mails to send and didn't know the first thing about stamps, so I dragged myself to the closest one, which was down 3rd street, and admittedly decrepit.

Now, this story will help you understand why people avoid the hassle of post offices at all...

As I was waiting in line, I noticed the young man in front of me, already at a counter speaking with the attendant. He said he wanted something sent through priority mail, the lady sent him away to get the Priority Mail Form.

Okay, he did that. After a couple of minutes, he said he wanted to have delivery confirmation. It looked like he was in a rush, or just tired from standing. The lady pointed behind him to a pile and said, "You have to fill out a Delivery Confirmation Form". His head dropped in disappointment.

Delivery confirmation form?!?!

What, are computers of the post office from the stone age?!?!

I'm sure they would save a lot of paper, and much time, and wasted angry energy from customers if they created a more efficient way to send paper mail. It's like they're trying to get us to send emails. Isn't that counterproductive??

Nonetheless, I felt really bad for the poor guy, whose seemingly simple task was stretched out and wrung dry.

When he was finally done, I was worried they might get him to fill out an Exit Release Form...

Aye Aye Aye!!

DANCING TO YOUR OWN TUNE

2008-10-03T10:56:00.000-07:00

The past couple of days have been very busy for me. Diya came to visit, and in showing her around and finishing up some work, I didn't get a chance to write. But here I am!

On Saturday, Diya and I went out to a club, after many months. It was a strange one, I must say. The DJ had no concept about mixing, jumping from current hip hop to retro 80s, to 90s pop, back to 80s. It was actually getting on our nerves, a little. We are dancers so music is ingrained in our souls...when you kill music, you're killing us! Dramatic, I know haha.

We gave ourselves ten minutes...if the music didn't get better, we were gonna leave. As God would have it, we stayed. And I'm glad.

As the music became better, people started dancing around us...I mean, really DANCING. I tried to take photos but it was too dark. They were mainly guys going buck wild just dancing to their own tune. Some were flailing their hands, some were awkwardly thrusting their pelvics to their girlfriends or "potentials", and two dudes who looked like MC Hammer look-a-likes were rockin' 90s street hip hop just like the icon himself. Some of it made us laugh, and even shake our heads, but I loved every minute of it. They were so happy, so free, so themselves!!!

The next day or so, on the subway platform, two subway performers were playing and singing indie rock songs. A young man waiting for the train turned to them and asked if they knew John Legend. They said, "No." He asked if they could pick up a tune if they heard it on an iPod. They nodded and within minutes, the three of them were doing a rendition of John Legend!! And they were good!!

As this young man sang, we saw a young couple, very much in love, start slow dancing to the music. It had to be the most romantic slow dance I've ever witnessed. That is the photo below....

This is what Life is about. This is inspiration at its best. This is what it means to use every moment to the fullest, to really LIVE it, to BE rather than just do.

All of the above individuals found their own rhythm of life, and were not scared to dance to it. There are some moments I feel I have found that rhythm...but such a slow dance would be my dream.

This is what I call true freedom, unity...and love.

SOUND IN SILENCE

2008-09-22T20:50:00.000-07:00

"We do not expect people to be moved by what is not unusual...If we had a keen vision and feeling of all ordinary human life, it would be like hearing the grass grow or the squirrel's heart beat, and we should die of that roar which lies on the other side of silence."
- George Elliott

I read this on a banner on the subway.

As I digested it, the noise in my mind started shrinking away, and the noise of all the voices and stories taking place in my compartment became thunderous. It was almost overwhelming.

"If we had a keen vision and feeling of all ordinary human life..."

Some thoughts in life create so much presence within us, that our mind actually stills. It is in these few moments that we hear the rhythm of Life itself. How much of Life have we missed, and continue to miss because of our self-created noise?

Some short, yet long moments later, the roaring subsided. I wanted it back...

The thunderous sounds made me think of God. In His perfect presence of each moment, He must hear all of our sounds at one time. How thunderous must it be? Yet, in His perfection, He is in tune with each of our notes.

...

I've always really liked the subway.

CHHH!! CHHH!! This one's for the boys....

2008-09-18T20:45:00.000-07:00

I have a question for you guys out there....and answer me honestly.

When you cat call a girl in public (walking on a street, subway, stores, anywhere) and she walks right by you without giving you the time of day (and this is the case most of the time...don't lie now)...do you feel embarrassed?? What do you do right after that moment? Look to your left, right, at the stranger next to you who totally witnessed you getting more than "shot down"....what do you do?? Do you care?? Does your face flush up?? Do you look at the next person and try to laugh it off??

Yesterday I had to put a lil' makeup on for some work I had, and sure enough, received the following in one day......

The seemingly normal passerby who exclaims, "Beautiful!"...
The dude on the subway who goes farther by saying, "Gohgeous!"...
The street worker who ordains me with his, "God bless you!"...
The one I really love, "Chhhh!! Chhh!!" ('cause I must look like a dancing monkey with a tin can around my neck!!)
And the overt, "WOO!!" ('cause you can barely keep it in your pants....)

Look....boys....all girls are grateful for what God has given them, don't get us wrong. I, as most girls, appreciate your sentiment in some sick, twisted way. But have you ever picked up this way??

When was the last time you said "Chhh...Chhh..." to a girl, she stopped, flashed you her pearly whites, looked into your eyes and said, "Where to..."

Did you ever hear Johnny Cochrane say, "If the glove doesn't fit, you must acquit"??

Now, to make your life a little easier, I am going to impart to you some much awaited advice...something all of you males have been waiting for....

You know how girls all dream of their "Prince Charming"? Well, the only difference between most of you and Prince Charming, is that although Prince Charming is AS MUCH a horny lil' toad as you are....he can control his flapper for that precious 5-minute window of opportunity into a girl's pants...I mean, heart. That's the simple difference between class and crass.

That's it. That's the only difference........and trust me, it can make or break your situation.

Uh oh. I hope you're not going to get upset about the horny lil' toad thing. 'Cause let's be honest........really.........I once had a boy-friend open my eyes by telling me "Guys don't hug, they FEEL."

Need I say any more??

Chhh!! Chhh!!.......till next time....

MY INNER FAT CHILD

2008-09-17T20:19:00.000-07:00

After an exhausting day, running around all over the city in stilettos, I was zapped. I was tired and missed my mom's tight hugs. At this time my inner fat child emerged to triumphantly take her place...

As a result, I scoured the city for a big, fat veggie burger with fries. It took me nearly an hour to find what I was looking for!! Considering all the restaurants in this city, it took me that long to find something fattening enough with fries included!!!! All the other veggie burgers offered me sides of cottage cheese and carrot sticks!! Do I look like a rabbit?!?! One burger was made of some retarded mixture of sunflower seeds and some other rubbish....this "organic" trend that nearly drove me mad tonight as I walked in and out of five restaurants, and up and down a number of streets to finally come across some bar that had what I was looking for.

I appreciate the western trend of trying to learn to be vegetarian and become health-conscious....but for God's sake........have options for the lil' fat guy!!! 'Cause we all have one in us.....just waiting to bite!!!!

Don't Seek...SEE

2008-09-16T13:16:00.000-07:00

In Bedroom

Two nights ago I was returning home on the subway. It was nearly 10:45 pm. We stopped at 14th Street, and I heard the babbling of an older man with apparent mental health issues. I didn't pay much attention to it because, I mean, this is New York. I heard his voice becoming stronger, hinting to me that he was getting closer. I didn't have a problem with it because I was too tired to give it much attention.

Anyways, he was coming closer. The man hurriedly walked into my compartment, screaming profanities...did something that I didn't quite catch, and suddenly the train came to a halt. The power shut down.

The other riders were blatantly upset, and one lady just kept shouting, "NO HE DIDN'T...NO HE DIDN'T!!!" I opened my eyes and asked her what happened.

The man had pulled the emergency brake. The train was not going to run for a while now. People were upset because night trains run few and far in between...we had waited a while just to get this train.

Regardless, most people walked out. I wasn't sure what to do, but thought there must have been some reason God was doing this, so I hopped out and took a cab.

While exiting the subway, I watched this man. He was clearly worked up, shouting and screaming at himself. People were scared. He was what they might categorize as a "crazy old man". I was in awe of him.

While in the cab, I kept thinking, "What did you want me to see from this? Why did this happen?" Just then a message was projected into my forethought - DON'T SEEK...SEE. So I obliged. I stopped looking for the answer and enjoyed the ride home.

Yesterday I had a really low day. I was upset for some personal reasons and began crying. I had been calm for so long, but this was my off day. Actually, I was balling. So much so that I almost began hyperventilating, but realizing I was alone, I worked hard to control my breathing. If I fainted, there would be no one around to help me. Then I spoke to my parents, who always know how to make me feel better. I really love them.

My mom instructed me to eat some food, which I hadn't done the whole day...it was mid-afternoon. As I sat down to eat my sandwich, the image of the man on the subway came to me. As I thought back to the hours that had passed, my internal state felt like him on the outside - afflicted, "crazy", at unrest. Then the image of the emergency brake came to me. Something was making sense...

I had been thinking that maybe that man had saved us from something when he pulled that emergency brake. Then I thought - maybe it wasn't about me at all, maybe he had saved someone else, and we were part of the whole. But now I thought differently.

DON'T SEEK...SEE, is what I was told.

Sometimes we all go a little crazy in our heads, but we must pull the emergency brake and get out of it! Or be doomed down that path. And when we do, automatically the negative rushes out (like all the people who left the train), and you will be left with a cleaner state.

Strange analogy, maybe.....but this is what I deduced from it. And it helped me. I was really tired after that, but felt much better. I had to remember to pull the emergency brake.

CARVING YOUR PLACE

2008-09-12T11:52:00.000-07:00

During a serene walk across Roosevelt Island, I became aware of the fluidity of the world. Everything runs in a seeming plan. I paused, looked up at the sky, and saw this lil' guy. A lone tuft of cloud in the middle of a clear blue sky. He had carved his place.

When I returned, the sky became one, big, dark sea. I couldn't see him anymore...

It reminded me that although it is important to stand on your own, to remember that we are part of the bigger whole. What an impression a lone tuft of cloud can make.

ALL IN A DAY'S WORK

2008-09-11T21:00:00.000-07:00

Yesterday evening I was with my friend Sharan, sitting in the middle of Columbus Circle. We were chatting about my trip back home etc., when I caught a glimpse of a young girl wading in the fountain in front of us.

Look carefully at the picture...
Yes, she is STEALING the pennies from the fountain and giving them to her father!!!! And no, they were not homeless...the dad looked like an established man, both wearing black. Just as a note, she went back numerous times, searching that water for some good change. Nuts, I tell you!!

I had to capture the moment...

Sharan was more disgusted at the fact that she was playing in the same water that the "bums" of New York pee in. Good luck washing that smell out!!!

MUMMY!

2008-09-10T22:13:00.000-07:00

MUMMY!
Originally written on September 6, 2008, 11 pm
On bed in Ottawa

I have not only reached home, but reached my second home in Canada – my brother’s new house in Ottawa. I’m finally spending quality time with the fam, uninterrupted by the vibration of my cell phones (two which are in my possession at the moment, one for TO and one for NY). I will admit that I have not done this in a long time! Before moving, I was always on the run in Toronto. I always had somewhere to be and things to do. Things sped on by, and now that I take notice of things, I wonder what all I have missed. And the crazy part is that I know I’m still missing a ton of things as we speak.

Yesterday, my family and I went to Costco, to search for items to fill my brother’s new house. As we were walking through the ginormous aisles of the humongous store, I had the sudden urge to hop on the front of the cart, being maneuvered by Amit (my brother)…just the way I used to when we were young. The only difference being that when I was young, Amit and I would fight for that front seat, and now he was just too big! I felt really lazy, but I was enjoying the ride, thinking about all that energy I was saving from not walking…like I said, I was feeling really lazy! I started mimicking a tour bus operator, saying “…and to the right you will find the battery packs, a favourite of ALL the stars…”

I love and I hate Costco. On one hand, it is just tooooooo big to handle…but on the other hand…it has samples! When I was a kid, I would complete an entire meal on the samples alone. I am telling you in advance that I have no shame…to this day I run to the samples. Mitul and Karen can vouch for that!! I was disappointed when I only saw three samples – old cheese samples (yuck!), roast beef sample (I’m a vegetarian), and a rice sample (which was not yet ready)…what a flop show. My parents were laughing at my youthful exhuberance.

But what really got to me was this one kid, so much so that I began laughing out loud when I saw him. A young boy, of probably seven or eight years old, ran to his mom with a box of Drumstick ice cream (good choice, by the way), and shouted, “Mummy! Mummy! Drumsticks! Can I please have them?? …..please?? Please??” She refused.

I laughed because literally ten minutes prior, I was perusing the store, and came across the chips section. The sale offered two for the price of one…and I figured the house needs some good snacks, because let’s be honest, which house doesn’t? So I packed a big bag of Sunchips and a bag of Cheetos, ran over to my mom and said, “Maa! Maaaa!” I held up the bags, “Chips!!” My mom reluctantly agreed.

I am now 24 years-old. At that moment I remembered something Shiamak had advised, “Don’t be child-ISH, be child-LIKE.”

There was some strange serenity in being free and having fun, of knowing that I will always be the baby of the house…of understanding that there is joy in imbibing the child within.

LIFE'S GREAT. EXPERIENCE IT.

2008-09-10T20:48:00.000-07:00

Originally documented on: September 3, 2008, some time in the afternoon
On bus

I’ve been reading Eckhart Tolle’s “A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose”. I admit I started a long time ago and it’s taking me months to get through it. One of the reasons being that I am admittedly taking my time with it, taking in the words, and not forcing it upon myself just to finish faster. Sometimes I feel intellectually inferior for it, thinking back to a time when I used to finish full novels in three hours, but as I am reading this book a wave of dizzying sleep usually washes over me after a couple of pages. I take a nap and forget all about my insecurities. I awake more peaceful and grateful for the knowledge that I have been able to grasp, rather than words I might just read. Each day I spend evolving through the book, I am feeling more and more aware, able to see all of my flaws for what they are and using the moment to correct them. I believe I read each page when it is meant to be read, and I will finish the book when I am ready to move forward.

Today I became aware of the eyes that see my world. And as soon as I had made my decision to change the way my eyes viewed my environment (current living situation and Life as a whole) I read, “Life’s great. Experience it.” It was a sign. No, literally, it was a billboard sign that came across a stretch of road that had been showing me trees and fields for the past two hours…or maybe I just didn’t see anything else.

This sign came to me just as I had been, once again, mulling on my idea of writing a blog.

What to put out there? I’ve had this idea for a while but I was scared. I feel a bit of that energy still within me but it is not as strong.

I am not going to ignore the message endowed on me. Life is great. And I will live it, and let it take me where it may.

As an actor, I am an observer of Life. I capitalize it because it is as alive as you and me. And if I could spend all of my time just watching and observing I would be much more highly evolved, much more centered, more content I’m sure, because every moment that I observe Life around me, I smile. I love what I see, I love what is.

I am currently in New York City, and if I had acted on this impulse to ‘blog’ when I had arrived a month ago, I would have had some ridiculous stories and sightings to share, but I didn’t. I was thinking so much about what you might think about what you read that the moment passed me. I’ll try to make up for it as I go on, and am sure I will include tidbits of things when appropriate. But I won’t make that mistake again.

Now, I am going to share some of my Life with you when I can. Some days it might be funny, other days it might be introspective, sometimes controversial, and often in the form of poems or spoken word or any other way that I see fit to express what I have witnessed (spiritually and physically).

I hope you will enjoy it!!

REFLECTION: Written September 3, 2008 at 1:00 am
On Blaire’s couch

In a city
There are…
There is…
There walk…
There work.

In a city
We fit.
Don’t know
The scheme.
Random.
Acts.
Together.
One.
We fit.

In a city
The roles,
The seasons
We endure.
Cohesively.
We play.

Who
In a city.
Who
Is
Different?
Who
In a city.
Who
Is
Same?
Who
In a city.
Who
Doesn’t
Shed
Clear white?