Looking Back: 2011

2011 has been quite the year, I must say, eventful, as always, yet transformational.  It is the year I decided to take my life by the reigns.  With the help of the Big Guy in the sky, I have come to understand some very important lessons that I thought I’d share with you today.  Who knows, maybe it will help ease someone else’s pain as it has mine.  These are just my personal truths, they may or may not suit your judgement, but I hope they help.

1)   Grieving is part of the process.  Don’t deny your self ANY part of the process.

My biggest “beef with” spirituality, as we know it today, is that it is nurtured on half-truths or half knowledge.  In an effort to be concise, we actually oversee the passing of key truths behind the principles we often preach.  One of these principles is that of positivity.  If something is wrong in someone’s life, our answer is always, “be positive,” or “don’t focus on the negative.”  I was always told this.  And I followed these two words, “be positive” to the best of my ability.  When bad things happened, I turned the other way; when my life was in shambles, I walked over the broken pieces; onwards and upwards.  I definitely moved onwards but I never moved up.  It was because no one ever really explained those words to me.  I just figured it meant, choose to see the good and ignore the bad.  I did this … until I snapped about 2 years ago.  Till that moment, I had never truly felt the emotion of anger and rage and sadness, and when the world pushed me to my knees, suddenly, no matter what I did, I couldn’t or wouldn’t stand.  When I finally let it all out (my emotions, that is), I realized I had spent all those years lying to myself.  I was never “positive,” I was just ignorant.  I ignored the problems, brushing them under the rug, avoiding any form of confrontation with others and myself.  What I learned is that being positive is a PROCESS; it is an innate understanding that even your problems are blessings in disguise; a mere distortion between what you want and what He wants for you.  And the process begins with your emotions.  It is a process that spans your body, your mind and finally reaches your soul.  Being positive opens those gates to your soul so your grief can finally transform to peace there.  Everyone’s process is different and they all take different lengths of times, but never deny your self any part of it.  If you are angry, allow yourself to yell at God (trust me, He can take it); if you are sad, allow yourself to cry till your eyes are red.  Of course, this doesn’t mean you go on a rampage.  Everything must be in balance.  But allow yourself to truly feel and keep your heart open to finding peace when the time is right for you to find it.  I assure you, you will.  And you will understand the real meaning of positivity. 

2)   Do unto others as you would have them do unto you … when they earn it.
This was a very important lesson for me to learn.  We have been ingrained to “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”  This statement is very profound and true, yet is not specific enough, in my humble opinion.  You should definitely treat others with the same respect as you would like to be treated, but respect, by virtue of the word MUST BE EARNED.  If you are a “giver” and find yourself constantly being taken advantage of, you will eventually be left quite bitter.  And as much as we’d like to blame the one that is “taking,” the responsibility really lies in the hand of the giver.  On one end you shouldn’t expect anything for your giving, but in that same breath, with the great power of providing and nurturing (that encompasses being the giver) comes great responsibility of being careful to whom you give.  The biggest reason for this added awareness is respect for your self.  If you wouldn’t give away free money to someone who didn’t earn it, why would you so easily and simply give away your most prized possession – your heart?  How someone earns their way to your heart is in your hands, but let them earn it.  You will be doing them a great justice and teaching them your value, as much as you’d be doing the same for yourself.

3)   Protect your self.  No one else can and no one else will. 
Follow your instincts, your subconscious, your gut … whatever you want to call it … for it will always tell you the truth.  One of my strongest beliefs is that we have the answer to every single question in this world within us.  We only get the answers if we ask.  Many times we face situations and are confronted by individuals who create some doubt within our core.  Somewhere deep within our subconscious we ask ourselves, “Is this step right for me?” “Is this person good to let in?”  In this split second introspective Q&A, we receive the answer as (what is perceived to be) a pang in the gut, an emotional instinct, or a deep subconscious knowing.  As quickly as we ask the question, we receive the answer, and as quickly as that it is gone.  We know what we have to do.  But when our physical mind takes back control in yet another split second, we are back to “reality” and the conscious, and suddenly it has escaped us.  Wait.  What was I supposed to do?  We still have a slight connection to the answer but in our panic cannot grasp it as we did a few milliseconds before.  So then we play 50/50.  We gamble with our lives.  Despite everything telling us don’t go this way, we doubt our inner self and go anyways … and then we hit a wall.  Wrong turn.  I was notorious for this.  But now, at the inkling of doubt, of a worry, I act or don’t act (if that’s the correct response).  I have always had the ability to foresee problems, especially within the dynamic of relationships and never used to act.  Time and time again it was proven that I was right all along.  I knew it deep within but questioned by own knowledge.  My lack of faith in my self stood in my own way.  So, I tell you all – trust your self.  And if you don’t know, stop what you are doing, go somewhere quiet even for 5 minutes and calm down.  It is only when the cloud clears that the sun’s rays can shine through.  So, sit calmly and then just ask yourself the question you have.  Just be willing to hear whatever response is meant to come your way, and when you receive it – act. 

4)   If my mind has the immense power to debilitate me, it has the immense power to help me soar.
This year I saw myself in the hospital again.  The diagnosis remained unknown.  Although there is a physiological basis for it, this time it was 1000% aggravated by stress.  My recovery was much slower and more intense than times before.  I actually felt like an amnesia patient for a while, unable to digest or process too much information at once, unable to remember brief encounters or even what happened that day without immense strain.  I was so debilitated that my sweet dad came from Toronto to New York to walk me to work, when I was able to attend.  I despise sharing this aspect of my life.  But I do so, reluctantly, to prove a powerful point.  My mind had been on such an overload, so overworked and malnutritioned (not literally) that it, and my body, decided to shut down.  I believe it was a defense mechanism to save me.  We always talk about the mind, body, soul unison.  It is what we strive for.  I have often focused on my body and soul and neglected my mind (truly nourishing it with positivity and love).  There was no synchronicity between the three.   When I finally got to a moment where I questioned my mortality, my own ability to fight through this time and time again, I realized the infinite power of my mind.  But every action has an equal, and OPPOSITE reaction, right?  If there is a yin, there is a yang.  Black and white.  Night and day.  If my mind had the power to shut me down so hard and so fast, and the theory of polarity exists, then it has the power to help me soar to heights faster than a blink of an eye.  If I nourish it.  Nourish your minds. 

5)   Everyone has their own limitations.  Don’t hold it against them or yourself.
I was often taken advantage of or let down by others.  I dwelled in this state of self-pity for a long time.  Until recently when I finally realized I have also let others down.  And as I am not perfect, neither is any human being.  Most of the time, people let us down because of their own limitations (whether it be physical, emotional or psychological); sometimes they are warranted and other times they are not.  When you accept this, you release a little bit of the pain.  You realize we are all on an evolutionary journey and on the way, we will often stumble and fall and if no one was around to pick us up, it was probably because He knew we could do it ourselves.  When you become perfect, you can hold it against others for being imperfect.  Till then, don’t hold it against them … or yourself.

6)   Most things aren’t black and white.  Most things function within a shade of gray.
This has been the most powerful lesson I learned in 2011 and the one I apply most to my daily life.  I have always defined actions and inactions as black  (wrong) or white (right).  It is why when someone crossed me several times with actions I felt were wrong, I immediately cut them out of my life.  I didn’t need them or their negativity.  Although this has only happened with a couple of individuals (after much pushing of my buttons), I found myself in a predicament when I conducted myself in a way that could be categorized as “black.”  Was it or wasn’t it is subjective. But I found myself in a predicament because I couldn’t cut myself off from myself.  And believe me, I wanted to.  It was after months of seeking guidance that I realized, firstly, my actions (and that of most others) didn’t need to be defined as black or white, wrong or right, that most things in life functioned within a shade of gray and I was no one to judge someone else … or conversely, myself.  It doesn’t mean, you don’t take actions to rectify a situation if someone has mistreated you, but making one or two mistakes doesn’t categorize the person as “bad.”  It is likely that they are a person who made one or two bad choices … as likely you have in your life.  Are there bad people?  Yes.  There are people who are innately bad, but even they usually have some deep-rooted psychological reasons for their madness.  We have a tendency to categorize and compartmentalize.  We are a ‘do or die’ kind of a species so when someone messes up, they immediately fall into the ultimate good or bad category.  Today I ask you to take a stance of non-judgment and remember there are many colors in the rainbow.  Again, do what is right for you to protect yourself in any situation, but leave the judgment of the other at the door.  At the end of the day, good or bad, it is what it is, and you will have to do what you have to do. 

Diwali Gift

Last night I received a gift, one that I never imagined receiving nor felt I deserved.  But, as all of God's gifts - they were bestowed and I merely received. 

For a couple of years a black cloud laid over my head.  I felt I could never be truly happy again; a part of me had died.  I bandaged the wound with distraction, with work and made every effort to guard myself from anything that might remotely sting.

I thought of it...and him as a curse, as evil who had penetrated into my life.  Last night I truly learned perspective.  Last night I found order in the chaos and although I wish I could discuss it in more detail, I can't and don't want to.  This one is mine.  I can only say that on this auspicious day of Diwali (when Light prevails over Darkness) I realize that it...and he was my greatest gift.  For without him, I would never have received the greatest gift of my lifetime; I would not be on the path I am today, I would not have made very necessary changes to my life, my personality, my circumstances, my being. 

Now I actually sit in awe wondering how I ever saw it as otherwise, and wonder why God felt I was deserving of this blessing.  I pray harder than ever before that I remember this lesson for eternity.

Last night I received a gift, one that I never fathomed receiving - God gave me grace.

Happy Diwali.

Occupy Times Square: New York Marches For A Cause

My reporting (written) debut at MTV News. I was in awe of the movement and honored to have witnessed it, but more than anything left grateful for everything I have. Even I have struggled but the fruit is worth the wait. Here's to change...

Occupy Times Square: New York Marches For A Cause

60/30/10 Rule

I am the type of person who has a hard time saying too many words because I feel they are thrown around so much.  Words like “I love you”,  “I respect you”, “Sorry”, “I promise” etc. are thrown around, quite fleetingly.  There was a time when I, too, used those words meaninglessly more often than not.  I thought I meant it, at the time, but my actions showed otherwise.  It was my mother who, in argument years ago, told me, “Your actions and your words, Natasha, are two different things.”  Suddenly an old lesson dawned on me.  One that I think is important to share in a society that thrives on vanity, small talk and networking. 

It’s the 60/30/10 rule.

Once again, one of the best lessons I learned in life, I learned in drama class.  The 60/30/10 rule explains the true expression of all intention, and where we should actually focus our energies.

The ratio is:

60% - body language (simply put – your actions – everything from follow-through to the face you’re making while talking to someone, and the way you are standing)

30% - voice (tone, level, inflection of your voice)

10% - actual words being spoken

It’s why you can nudge a friend laughingly and say, “Asshole”, and it’s taken lightly, followed by a laugh.  As opposed to shoving someone and screaming, “Asshole!” followed by a shove.  See the difference?  The words are the same, but expressed with a different tone, and vastly different body language. 

I’ve said it before – it is never WHAT you say, it is HOW you say it.  That can make or break a situation, especially in relationship dynamics.

One of my biggest pet peeves is a big talker.  We, young “singles ready to mingle” are exposed to this on a regular basis, especially from the opposite gender trying to woo us over.  Most of them LOVE to talk – about how smart they are, how great they are, how much money they have, how connected they are, ESPECIALLY how well they treat the opposite sex.  Most of them focus on that small 10% and most of us gullibly believe.  I know I did.

Buddha says, “A dog is not considered a good dog because he is a good barker.  A man is not considered a good man because he is a good talker.”

Since I understood this concept, I have minimized my “talking” as much as possible.  I’ve been known to be the anti-actor – I’ve always disliked networking parties for the fake small talk, and now I’ve come to a point in my life where I choose my words very wisely and mean what I say and say what I mean; I refer only those I truly believe in; I praise only those I truly feel deserve it.  Words are no longer frivolous to me because I realized how easily the words others threw out at me affected me at such a deep level.  That 10% is still very powerful, but like Ben Parker says in Spiderman, “With great power, comes great responsibility.”

I’d rather have someone speak less and do more, than vice versa.   Although, I’ve noticed others don’t feel the same.  My “Tinman” title has been created because of this, because I’d rather not say meaningless words and would rather do meaningful acts. 

But think about this ratio.  Think about how your actions, voice and words are expressed.  Observe other people’s actions, voice and words.  Place 60% on the body language, 30% on the voice, and 10% on the words and you’ll be able to better decipher yours and others’ intentions.  And if you care about someone, place a greater emphasis on showing it, some emphasis on the tone you express it with, and less on the words you use.  It might make a difference.  

Part 2 - Perspective

For all the times I have cried victim, it is time I call myself out.  I have never claimed to be an angel, or perfect, by any means.  I feel like this blog usually points out all the “messed up” things about me.  But a short while ago I encountered a real eye-opening experience, in which I found myself the perpetrator. 

I have often whined about certain mistreatments I have endured in relationships, and to be fair, am now going to call myself out for my mistreatment of someone else. 

I am admitting to the world something I have just admitted to myself – I have the Runaway Bride syndrome.  I have chosen to be in relationships with people who weren’t right for me, maybe because I knew it would never go anywhere, because I knew it would end and buy me some more time (time for what is the question); and when I was with a good person, who treated me well and loved me, who would do anything for me…I ran away.  The worst part is – I never discussed it.  A normal person would have a problem, discuss it and try to solve it.  It’s always been hard for me to speak about my feelings about a situation (since it usually leads to the dismantling of a relationship), so what was the point?  Might as well just end it without a confrontation.    

Recently, a discussion with a person in my past made me realize that while I was pointing at someone else, there were three fingers pointing back at me.  I had ended a seemingly perfect relationship with this person for no good reason, without consulting anyone, and never explained it…to even him.  Eventually life moved on, but I had NO IDEA what rubble I left behind.  I had NO IDEA that I became THAT PERSON to someone else – the one that disregarded someone’s feelings; that trampled on someone’s emotions, that didn’t give the relationship a chance.  I had NO IDEA that I had affected someone’s life in such a negative way.  And it’s not that I did it intentionally, I just wasn’t ready.  But does that matter?  Does it matter once the damage is done?

I always say people have polar opposites within them, and they function with the same strength.  If you can be THAT happy, you have the potential to be THAT sad; if you are THAT calm, you have the potential to be THAT out of control; if you can be THAT warm, you can be THAT cold. 

I always thought of myself as a compassionate individual, one that really cares about others and their feelings because I know the courage it takes to express them, but even I have made mistakes.

The last thing I would want is to hurt anyone, at any time.  I know, sometimes it is inevitable, it is part and parcel of any relationship dynamic.  I don’t feel apologetic for those who deserved my cold treatment, but there are a couple people I can think of who didn’t….they got it because I wasn’t ready to give them the warmth they deserved.  So I don’t blame them for disliking me as much as they did.  And I publicly admit my mistake, and have privately apologized to them, working to earn their friendship again. 

The reason there are two parts to this blog is because I have been grappling with this whole concept of forgiveness.  For the handful who know the full story, my actions are nowhere near as damaging as his, but again – pain is relative – there is no comparison.  Pain is pain is pain.  I caused someone pain, as someone caused me pain. 

I’ve said it before and I will say it again – no matter how good something is, if you are not ready to receive it, you will take any action necessary to push it away. 

Maybe he just wasn’t ready, as I wasn’t ready.  I know it’s not the same situation, but I don’t see it as that different, either.  Maybe he didn’t know any better, or maybe he was just born an asshole, or maybe…maybe…maybe.  The point is, I’m not perfect either…so who am I not to forgive someone?

*This song basically encompasses it all.  Beautiful.

Part 1 - Getting it Together

I’m a really lazy person, at heart.  My sleeping habits are a direct reflection of this.  But I’m so lazy that I don’t even like holding or harboring negative feelings because I’m too lazy to keep remembering what has upset me.  I’d rather just forget about it and move on.  At least I used to.

My dad taught me not to use the word ‘hate’.  He said it was too strong a word and I should never retain such negative feelings within myself.  I understood what he meant or maybe I was too lazy to argue, so I removed it from my vocabulary.  I replaced it with ‘dislike’. 

Eg. I dislike cockroaches, with a passion.  I dislike bad teeth.  I dislike hard labor (some of us just aren’t meant for it).  I dislike being lied to. 

Get my point?

But last year I used the word, for the first time, against someone.  When he pushed me to the edge of hell and back, and then again, I finally snapped.  I told him, “I hate you”.  And I meant it.  And I held it.  I held on to it for dear life because for once, I needed the hate to stay away from someone toxic for my existence.  I hated him. 

Now, ten months later, the laziness is kicking in.  The hate has done its festering, and now I’m bored of it.  I’m bored of being closed off, I’m bored of not trusting, I’m bored of feeling heavy.  My aura used to be one so much clearer and purer.  Sweeter.  Now, I, myself, sense a light, simmering fire beneath, that remains glowing below, exploding with certain triggers.

 

Holding on to it doesn’t seem authentic to me.  It’s not me to be like this.  But a part of me fights within saying, “But why am I always the one forgiving?  Why do I always have to be the bigger person?”  Then I remember KB Aunty putting me in my place once quipping back with, “Who are you not to forgive someone?”  It’s true.  I’m no one and I’ve been forgiven hundreds of times before (given, never because I inflicted pain on anyone but still pain is always relative).    

I’ve repeated this lesson I learned in acting class several times before, and I will repeat it again because it is true in life: there is no emotion as anger, anger is just loud pain.  Maybe my “I hate you” was a big “I fucking loved you and you killed me!”  Even that is old news now.  Now all that remains are the charred remains of a once-full heart, that has burned like a wildfire from hate, from pain. 

Buddha says, “You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger.” 

I feel this every second I am awake.  The only one continuing to suffer is me.  I want to come to a place where I can forgive someone for ungodly mistakes.  I just want to let it go and say, “maybe he didn’t know any better”, even though I know he did.  But I can’t forgive someone with the expectation that they will change, or they will understand the errors of their way, or for anything but the act of forgiving and letting our souls free. 

I’m not there yet.  I don’t quite know how to with him.  But I know I will one day.  I have to.  It’s the only step left.  

Explore

I have had a lot of life experiences from a very young age.  I have seen most of the gamut of good, bad, and most of all – ugly.  You could say it’s probably why I am a bit stunted, emotionally, but it has certainly evolved me spiritually. 

My most humbling lesson, though, is one I still endure.  For those who don’t know, I have been inflicted with some “mysterious illness” for the past six years.  I have kept it under the radar from most for a long time.  I’ve been speculated to have several things – from cancer, to MS, to a rare brain disease.  Don’t worry, I don’t have any.  Now, with that said, I want you to forget all the rational questions that would follow someone saying such a thing, and just accept this as the truth of the situation because I have a point I am trying to make. 

Through it all, and there is a lot of ‘all’, I have learned two of my greatest lessons in life, that I hope to pass on to you to apply in whatever life situation you deem fit:

1)   You have exactly what you need, right now.

*Note that I wrote ‘need’ and not ‘want’.

2)   No one will remember what you did for long, but they will always remember how you made them feel.
*Think of your favorite people in your life…now think of the ones you haven’t liked.  Do you remember what they did?  Or do you just remember how they made you feel?

I want to share these two very personal lessons because we are in a generation of ‘want’, and in a generation of ‘I’, and I want to remind all of you that you came with nothing, and you will leave with nothing.  Your remnants will not remain with the material, it will only remain within your relationships.

Trust someone who had it all stripped away – every single thing at one point from looks to money to job to family to health, at different times in my life, to faithfully say, “I have always had enough.”

If you’re in a situation where you think you don’t have something, or the world doesn’t have something, instead of becoming a cynic become an explorer because God never, ever leaves you without some tool, some anchor, some saving grace.  He just leaves it to you to find it.  “Necessity is the mother of invention.”  When you have no other choice, you will go searching for it yourself.  But why wait till shit hits the fan?  Why not see that there is more to life and living that just what you do, and what you wear, how much you can buy, or what other people think?  Because there really is. 

I would never wish the card I had been dealt to my worst enemy.  But I would never exchange any experience for a less challenging one in any lifetime, because every day that I can breathe, every day I can lift a finger, hug my parents, eat my food, think of an idea, love another, write this blog…feels like a miracle….so much so that sometimes it doesn’t make sense to me.  Sometimes I question how I could be deserving of these simplest, most powerful, and divine blessings?  Every day I live in an attitude of gratitude, and I try to ‘want’ less. 

I guess my point of this blog was a deep message from within asking all of you to see beyond the illusionary brick wall you have built in your lives. 

Trust that there is a plan for you, a good plan, but He can only lead you there if you follow.  “You can take the horse to the river, but you can’t make it drink water.” 

And trust that you are measured by far more than the physical.  You just have to choose how you want to be remembered. 

All I can say is…there is more…go explore.